How to prioritise your psychological safety when ‘coming out’

This article is written from the perspective of a psychologist working with clients who are exploring their sexuality and/or gender identity. We would like to acknowledge that everyone’s experience and perspective is different and valuable, and we would like to promote the experiences and perspectives of people with lived experience. If you would like to give us any feedback regarding the content of this article or would like to share any of your experiences, we would love to hear it.

‘Coming out’ can involve sharing elements of your sexual and/or gender identity that are not yet known to people in your social environment. This can involve one conversation, or many. It can be verbal or non-verbal. ‘Coming out’ is also an incredibly personal and vulnerable experience. For some, it can be liberating, marking a significant step in their journey to self-acceptance and authenticity. For others, it can be an experience that alters relationships, changes support systems and impacts on mental health.

As a psychologist at SHIPS, I work with clients across all stages of identity development and coming out, ranging from people who are newly questioning non-heterosexual attraction or gender diverse feelings, to those who are living openly in all aspects of their life. Throughout my experience, both professional and personal, coming out can be a pivotal moment in people’s lives, and when affirmed, is protective against mental health outcomes.

When we come out, we want to be accepted and seen as our authentic selves. This reflects our evolutionary and primal need to be accepted by those that matter most to us. There is an unconscious part of us that links acceptance by others as necessary for our survival (nowadays- psychological and emotional survival, rather than physical survival). This also explains why it hurts so badly when we are anticipating or have experienced a non-affirming response.

This blog looks to explore the experience of coming out, and ways to maintain your own psychological safety and wellbeing if you choose to share your gender and/or sexuality with others.

Before we do this, we wanted to understand and share common experiences, and barriers to coming out safely from our instagram community. You are experts on your own experience, and hearing your experience echoed from others can be so affirming and helpful along your journey. We want to thank the community for their generosity and vulnerability.

What you told us

We posed a number of questions on our instagram. All the responses you shared with us have been summarised and the content de-identified.

When sharing information about your gender and/or sexuality, it is normal to feel scared, confused, vulnerable, empowered, exhilarated, relieved, proud, uncertain, brave, and/or affirmed. Despite this, your responses overwhelmingly indicated that coming out wasn’t as much of a big of a deal as you initially thought. Based on my experience in the therapy room, this makes sense. Coming out involves bravery and authenticity on our behalf, perhaps challenging the assumptions or expectations that have been placed on us by others and ourselves (explicitly or implied). It is normal to feel apprehensive and to go through the numerous ‘what ifs’.

Some people also told us that there was a pressure and an urgency to share your sexuality and/or gender identity with others, and that this led to some discomfort and distress. In therapy, we often explore the reasons for this pressure and comfort, and there can be many! There may be a partner or partners asking you to be more open in sharing your relationship, perhaps being ‘outed’ in other areas of your life, or even the social script that exists around coming out. Coming out is a plot line of the queer best friend in movies, we celebrate when celebrities ‘come out’ and hell, there are even greeting cards that wish you a “happy coming out day.” There is a huge social narrative about how and when people should come out, and this can place a huge expectation and burden on some people.

You also told us that one of the big barriers to coming out to your loved ones was due to homophobia, stigma, cultural understanding, their understanding and assumptions about LGBTIQA+ people, religion and a fear of rejection and misunderstanding. These are all real and valid experiences for many queer people and can be really difficult to hear as a person who may be questioning your sexuality and gender identity. Unfortunately, we know that there are still many experiences of violence, harassment, rejection, emotional abuse and removal from family that can happen. The most important thing I find myself saying when I am in a therapeutic space with someone - your safety (physical, emotional or otherwise) is ALWAYS the number one consideration when inviting others to get to know your gender and/ or sexuality.

Fundamentally, coming out should always be your choice. You should always be in the driver’s seat about how, where, when and with whom you choose to share your gender and/or sexuality. You are the only person who gets to have an opinion on your sexuality and/or gender identity and whether or not you want to share that with other people. You don’t owe anyone that information. You are also the only person who can decide when and how it is safe to come out. You may decide to come out in one part of your life and not in another, and regardless of the “Out and Proud” social narrative that exists, you are not any less valid or queer for choosing this.

To invite in… or not

One of our responses to the questions wrote about how incredibly special it was to have someone come out to them as the first person in their life. When reflecting on this response, I thought about how some writers have started to talk about the ‘inviting in’ process, as opposed to the coming out process. We are inviting people to get to know you in a new way, and it reflects your choices regarding who you share your sexuality and/or gender identity with. It is an invitation to get to know us in a way that creates intimacy and trust in our relationships.

When you weigh the benefits and risks about sharing your gender and/or sexuality with others, it’s important to remember that the person in charge of your coming out journey is you. You decide who to confide in, when to do it and how. You also decide when coming out just may not be right, necessary or advisable.

Remember that there is no one right or wrong way to come out, and many people experience it in many different ways. Choosing to come out or to invite in does not mean you have to be open at all times or in all places — you decide how, where and when, based on what’s right for you. Your sexual orientation and gender identity are important pieces of you, but they do not have to define you. For many people, inviting in is a lifelong process of being even more open and true with yourself and maybe others - done in your own way and in your own time. It’s also okay to change your mind, or to never come out.

Maintaining your safety when coming out / inviting in

These are some useful tips I often share with my clients when they are making plans to come out or invite in, remembering that there is no right or wrong way or ‘one size fits all approach.’

1. Evaluate your safety and plan accordingly

Consider your physical, emotional, and financial safety and what plans you can make to prioritise these. You may want to pick a public place or tell them privately depending on what feels best for you and how you anticipate people may respond. You may want to bring a support person along. And if it isn’t safe for you right now, choosing to wait or to not share your sexuality and/or gender identity is okay too.

2. Preparation is key

Think about (and maybe write out) what you want to share. Be clear in what you are sharing and consider your own boundaries in how much information you may want to disclose initially. While you do not need to know the answers to every question (and it is not your job to educate people on LGBTIQA+ issues), it can be helpful to anticipate some of the follow-up questions and your response. Most importantly - consider what you want to get out of the conversation. Regardless of the outcome, what is important to you? eg. genuinely expressing your identity?

3. Consider your own emotional context

Check in with your frame of mind and how you are feeling beforehand. If you are feeling sensitive, rejected, anxious or irritable, consider how this might be impacted by a vulnerable, and possibly challenging, conversation. Of course, it is perfectly normal to be feeling apprehensive (or a whole range of emotions!) beforehand, but also try to minimise the impact of other external stressors. For example, if you have just had a really hard day at work, it may not be the best day to invite in. Practically speaking, also consider - is it a good time for you and them? Do you both have enough time for the conversation?

4. Set up realistic expectations

To make sure you are emotionally prepared, it is important to consider how this information might be received by the people you are coming out to. Their reactions are not yours to own! (Let’s say it again for the people at the back!). If you know that the person you are inviting in holds values or beliefs that might make it difficult to respond well to this new information, it is important to integrate this into your expectations. Going in hoping for an idealistic response can sometimes lead to feelings of betrayal and letdown when reality doesn't match up. So setting realistic expectations is part of emotional safety and backing yourself.

Sometimes, even in spite of realistic expectations, the response to sharing our gender identity and/or sexuality with our people isn’t an overwhelmingly positive one. Recall our evolutionary need for acceptance - it can be really painful when, after being vulnerable and open with others, we are met with rejection, non-acceptance or misunderstanding. In the therapy room, many people internalise this response as reflective of their worth or validity - I am bad for feeling like this, I am wrong, I am broken, I am weird. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. There is nothing wrong with you and who you are, and another person’s response is just that - theirs. There are a million reasons why people may respond in the way that they do, and none of those reasons make you and your identity any less valid.

5. Know (and prioritise getting) what you need

As humans, we all have core emotional needs in our lives and relationships. These include safety, stability, nurturance, acceptance, autonomy, competence, sense of identity, freedom to express valid needs and emotions, spontaneity, and realistic limits and self-control. All these needs are valid, but sometimes, the people in our life may be unable or unwilling to provide these (it does not make them any less valid!). Check in with what you are needing from your inviting in / coming out conversation. Is it nurturance (a hug)? Is it acceptance? Is it having your identity validated? Knowing what you know about the person or people in the conversation, you might be able to ask for what you need directly, or you might plan to meet your own needs, or ask others who are able. That brings us to number six.

6. Affirm yourself through community

Finding places that honour and affirm your gender identity and/or sexuality is important, and especially so when inviting in / coming out. It can be helpful to pick a supportive person to be the first person you come out to - someone who is more than likely going to respond to you in a positive and affirming way. They can then support you through your wider inviting in process. This can also help to build a little confidence if you choose to share your gender and/or sexuality beyond this person.

Additionally, are there other places in your life where you are celebrated and accepted for exactly who you are? This might be friends, queer community spaces, interest groups, or even therapy! Make a conscious effort to line up some of these activities before and after you come out, especially if you foresee it being a challenging conversation.

Celebrate the vulnerable, beautiful you

When you come out / invite people in, you are giving these lucky people the honour of knowing you better. This process is about sharing a vulnerable part of yourself in a warm and affirming way. If you are able to do that, you should be incredibly proud of yourself, regardless of the outcome. This level of vulnerability is not easy for anyone.

Often, our greatest fear when sharing our sexuality and/or gender identity is that we are met with rejection, misunderstanding, stigma or even others’ fear. It’s important to understand that the response from others is not yours to carry. People’s responses are a reflection of them, not you. You do not need to ‘do the work’ to push them to a place of acceptance, it is their work and their journey.

The definition of pride is a feeling of deep pleasure and satisfaction derived from your qualities. And you should be so proud. We are here to remind you that all the parts of you are so valuable, brave, beautiful, lovable, worthwhile, and wonderful - just as you are.

If you would like some support exploring your gender, sexuality or inviting in experience, SHIPS can help! All of our psychologists and therapists are queer affirming and inclusive, and place the upmost priority on providing you with a safe space.

RESOURCES

Minus18 - Tips for coming out

PFLAG Online Library - recommended readings on the subject of gay & lesbian relationships, selected especially with parents in mind.

TransHub - Coming Out

Raisingchildren.net.au - Rainbow and same-sex families: services, resources and links

The Trevor Project - Coming Out: A Handbook for LGBTQ Young People

At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with people who identify as LGBTIQA+. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience, or feel we may have missed something on the topic of ‘coming out’, please contact us to let us know.