How to have conscious, loving conversations about money

Most people would agree that talking about money generally, let alone with a partner or partners, is scary and challenging. Why is this?

Let’s break it down a little:

Money is a socially accepted way of commodifying value, and value is a loaded, subjective term. It is influenced by our upbringing: how our family relates to money, our emotions, as well as broader cultural and social messaging.

In a relationship we exchange many different forms for energy - emotional, mental, social, physical, sexual, and financial. For most people, relationships feel good when there is an equitable exchange of energy. But the question of equity comes down to the value we ascribe to the quality and quantity of the energy that is exchanged.

Talking about money calls into question our perceived value and our expectations around what we should give and receive - which can understandably bring up fears and anxieties in the context of relationships and attachment.

Sometimes, it might even feel easier to avoid the conversation altogether. In fact, a 2019 study conducted by Relationships Australia suggested that:

One third of participants had not discussed their personal financial situation prior to committing to a relationship with their most recent partner.
43% had not discussed how their individual finances would be shared within the context of their relationship.
56% of respondents stated that they hadn’t discussed how their ‘joint finances’ would be managed if someone in the relationship were to no longer have an income.

Talking about money with your partner(s) might bring up fears, but it can also take your relationship to the next level. Having a mutual understanding of finances within your relationship can foster a sense of respect, collaboration, connectedness, and reciprocity within your relationship. It can affirm and clarify what you and your partner(s) value, and it can help you collaborate on individual and joint financial goals.

Before you can have a helpful, open conversation with your partner(s) about money, you first need to understand the meaning you attach to it and your relationship with it.

Understand the meaning you attach to money

Money Stories

Our ‘money story’ refers to the attitudes, beliefs, and values we develop about money and finances throughout our lives. Often, our money story begins to develop in childhood and is influenced by the financial attitudes, beliefs, and practices we were exposed to throughout our upbringing. Your money story will impact your emotional connection to money - how you feel about it and how you spend it.

For example, if you grew up in an environment where money was sparse or caregivers often felt anxious about their finances, you might respond to this by controlling spending and saving money in adulthood. Alternatively, if you were raised in an environment where money was highly controlled, as an adult you might respond to this by prioritising freedom and independence. This might mean you prioritise spending on ‘fun’ activities such as travel, food and fashion. It’s helpful to reflect on your money story by asking yourself some simple questions:

How were finances handled in your family growing up?
What emotions were connected to money in your family (e.g., stress, guilt, excitement)?
Were there different financial expectations for men and women in your family?
Was money a scarce resource or was it abundant/obtained easily?

Money and Society

Our beliefs and attitudes toward money are also heavily informed by social and cultural factors. For example, in many cultures success and social acceptance is often associated with financial status. Simultaneously, some countries with these cultural expectations offer limited education, resources and support. These beliefs together with different resources can create toxic relationships between money and power. When financial gain becomes the most important priority, this can result in exploitation of others who are in a less advantageous position. Within a relationship a person can use their financial status to control money in order to control others. Financial power may include controlling what money is being spent on, deciding how debt is managed, and being individually responsible for making all major financial decisions in the relationship.This kind of financial dynamic can have longer lasting implications for a relationship, such as one partner feeling “trapped”, being devalued, the loss of financial independence, or being at a greater risk of financial abuse.

People who absorb these beliefs about success and money may also end up prioritising making money over connection, authenticity, and respect for others. They may seek a sense of self-worth through financial gain and positions associated with status, rather than considering other domains of life and experiences that bring them joy and how this might impact others.

Money and Emotions

We can often use money, or more specifically we can spend money in order to emotionally regulate. When we buy a new item we get an instant hit of dopamine, but then shortly after this, the neurochemical reward dissipates - leaving us with the emotional aftermath. A statistical analysis conducted in Australia during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020 found that consumer spending on home food delivery service, home improvements, and online gambling increased remarkably during lockdown periods, in comparison to findings in previous years.

It’s no wonder that research suggests that our relationship with money is often emotional. While we might get a high from spending, shame and guilt might be experienced after spending and are commonly associated with discussing finances. It’s important to reflect on how money makes you feel and if you are using it to cope or avoid emotional experience. It can be helpful to reflect on your own spending habits and see if you can notice any common themes around the context of your spending. Any patterns you have, you will ultimately bring into your relationship, so it is helpful to bring awareness and understanding to this so you can share this with your partner(s).

How to talk about money:

So now that you have reflected on your relationship with money, you will be better equipped to discuss this in your relationship. Below is a list of practical strategies and questions to support you in approaching conversations about money in a compassionate, collaborative, and productive way.

1. Know that your partner(s) will have a money story too

Reflecting on your own experience might help you realise that others will have their money story too. Your partner(s) may have a completely different relationship with money than you, and it is important to be curious and respectful about understanding this. Approaching the conversation with openness and willingness to understand sets up a safe space for your communication.

2. Communicate with care

Consider the language you use.

You can further encourage safety and openness in your conversation by avoiding the use of language that insinuates blame or judgement. Using words such as “you”, “silly”, “irresponsible”, “selfish” when referring to your partner(s) can be experienced as aggressive and judgemental. This can be avoided by keeping the focus on your own thoughts and feelings about the topic rather than on their behaviour.

Practice active listening.

Listening actively can ensure you and your partner(s) feel heard and understood throughout the conversation. To ensure you are actively listening, try not to interrupt your partner(s) when they’re speaking, focus on what they’re saying, and try to sum up what they say at the end so you know you’ve understood them properly.

Express appreciation for one another.

Don’t only focus on the challenges or concerns! It’s important to acknowledge the strengths you and your partner(s) hold in relation to money both individually and within the relationship. Believe me, you have them!

3. Decide what you want to achieve

Understanding what you need is important when approaching a conversation as this can inform how you set communication up for success. If you want to get to know your partner’s relationship with money, this might involve an open discussion. An open discussion is one without rules or structure, where anyone can talk for as long as they like without restraints, rules, or expectations. This type of discussion supports a sense of safety, equality, and honesty in the conversation.

For example, you may start an open discussion by asking your partner(s) - “I find saving money really rewarding, would you say you’re more a saver or a spender?”, instead of “How much do you have in savings?”

Alternatively, if the aim of the conversation is to set up a budget for your household, you might want to approach the conversation with more structure and think of specific questions you want to ask and topics you want to cover.

4. Recognise that this might bring up difficult emotions

As money is connected to value, worth, and emotional regulation - and people can have their own complicated money story - the topic might bring up difficult emotions for you and your partner(s). Approaching this topic with care and compassion is vital. Also, it’s important to recognise that you may need to take a break and return to the conversation after some grounding and rest.

5. Recognise that you might disagree, and that’s okay

Respecting your partner means recognising and appreciating the ways that they are different. They may have a different relationship with money, different priorities and values and it is important to understand this as well as your own money needs in order to work together to decide how your finances will best work for you.

6. Come up with plans and arrangements that work for you

The messages that you absorbed culturally and socially may have included the idea that people in a relationship should share money arrangements and all funds. The reality is, there are no rules - it is important to figure out what works best for you and your relationship. Perhaps you separate your finances and just have a joint account for shared costs, or maybe one person contributes to the relationship in a way that does not involve money e.g., house care or childcare and the other person contributes financially. It is important that you and your partner(s) come up with a plan that feels equal and fair for everyone, with the understanding that this might change.

Practical questions to get you started

Here are a few questions you might like to ask your partner(s) to get started. Remember these are just a guide – make sure you adjust and reframe them to fit for you and your partner(s):

What does having money mean to you?
Did your family talk about money?
How do you feel about talking about money with me?
On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate how we spend our money?
When you think of sharing money, how do you feel?
What would we do if one of us couldn’t earn an income?
What ways are we contributing to the relationship that are not financial?
What do you prioritise spending money on and why?
Do you have a budget?
Do you have savings?
How would / do you feel about earning more money than me or visa-versa?
What do I spend money on that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Has the COVID-19 pandemic changed how you think about money?
Have you ever had any financial goals? If so, what are / were they?
Do you have any money regrets or moments you’ve been proud of?
What’s one money habit you admire about me, and one money habit you admire about yourself?

Remember that these conversations are a process, not a once-off event. It is important that you continue talking about your individual and joint finances over the course of your relationship(s) to ensure you remain on the same page in terms of goals, expectations, and as your financial situation changes.

To finish…

It’s normal to feel intimidated or nervous when it comes to talking about money and finances with your partner(s), after all money can be strongly associated with power, security, and how we regulate our emotions. Our money story can also strongly influence our approach to finances, including how we spend our money, what we prioritise spending money on, and what role money plays in our lives. Remember that talking about money with your partner(s) can be incredibly rewarding as it can ensure you’re on the same page in terms of your finances, can help you understand one another and take your relationship to the next level, and can promote connectedness, collaboration, and feeling supported in your relationship(s).

RESOURCES

Podcasts

She’s on the Money by Victoria Devine

Your Money Story (25 Jun 2019)
Let’s Talk Money with your Honey (21 Jan 2020)
Navigating Shared Finances (1 Jun 2021)

Meet, Pay Love by Equity Mates Media with guest speaker Dr. Sarah Ashton

Recognising financial red flags (18 Feb 2021)

The Hook Up with Nat Tencic (Triple J)

How to find your money match (19 Jul 2021)

Online resources

Relationships and Money - Women Talk Money

Understanding Financial Tensions in Relationships - Esther Perel

The Barefoot Investor

Relationships and Money - Money Smart

At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with people who are interested in exploring conversations about money and finances in their relationship. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on the topic of relationships and money, please contact us to let us know.