This article was originally published in RED Magazine, written from the perspective of a psychologist working with clients who are sex workers. We would like to acknowledge that everyone’s experience and perspective is different and valuable, and would like to promote the experiences and perspectives of people with lived experience. If you would like to give us any feedback regarding the content of this article or would like to share any of your experiences, we would love to hear it.

Both Sex Workers and Psychologists share intimate spaces with our clients for money. There is an art to sharing this space while maintaining our psychological wellbeing. As a Psychologist, I have learnt the hard way that establishing boundaries is key to maintaining a healthy, vibrant work practice. When providing support for Sex Workers, I have also found that establishing emotional boundaries is equally important for the sustainability of their work and wellbeing. Not being aware of emotional boundaries or how to enforce them can result in burn-out and other mental health symptoms, such as anxiety and depression.

Boundaries can be physical, emotional, social, and financial. All of these types of boundaries affect each other. Understanding your boundaries is about asking: does this feel ok/safe/beneficial to me? Not just now, but considering my future, my needs and my whole life? And if it doesn’t, is there anything I could change/ask for, that would make it that way? Physical boundaries can be more straightforward to establish and communicate (Sex Workers are more expert than the general population with these!). Emotional boundaries can be a little trickier.

Emotional boundaries require you to tune into your emotional responses as they relate to yourself and the world around you. Your responses can be subtle and difficult to notice until their impact accumulates. Suddenly, you are burnt out and wondering why! Some examples of subtle, emotional-boundary-crossing-behaviours Sex Workers have mentioned to me include:

working long hours with not much time off for other activities;
not knowing how to avoid personal conversations with clients;
being constantly available for communication about work (e.g. through booking apps).

Over time, this extra emotional labour takes its toll.

Everyone’s boundaries are different. You are the only person who can figure out what feels right for you and this can keep changing! Once you know what your boundaries are, the challenge is then to enforce them and maintain them. Here are a few tips that might help you maintain emotional boundaries at work I have learnt from my clients, my training as a Psychologist, and from my personal experience.

1. Having ‘work’ clothes

Having clothes that you just wear at work can help create a sense of separation between your personal and work life. Physically putting them on can signal entering into a different psychological space and then taking them off can encourage you to let go of the emotions associated with wearing them. Also, if you change into something comfortable after work, it can help you to wind down and relax (my rainbow hippie pants are the best!).

2. Allow time to debrief/vent after work

When you are focusing on giving physical and emotional energy to other people, there are parts of yourself and your emotional responses that you put aside in order to do this. Once you have finished work journaling, talking to a friend, partner or co-worker can be a great self-care practice in order to look back on and give attention to your responses. Letting out our emotions in a safe space means we can maintain separation between our personal responses and our response at work. It is important that we limit the amount of time we spend on this too, so it doesn’t cross the boundaries into our spare time.

3. Decide what you feel comfortable to share

Most Sex Workers I speak with are absolutely on the ball with this one, but it is worth mentioning. Personal details like your full name and address are top of the list, but also think about the levels of information you provide about your opinions, experiences and life and the amount of emotional intimacy that involves. Different topics are more or less emotionally loaded. For example, you might be ok with discussing general topics like news and entertainment, but discussing your family and friends is off the table.

4. Take time off

Regularly taking time off is part of maintaining emotional boundaries with work. It is so important to have time where you can connect with other parts of you and your life. Taking time out to rest, hang out with friends and family and do things we love gives us back energy and allows us to keep working in the long term. I am not just talking about holidays. Creating time away from communication about work or thinking about work is important on a day-to-day basis. Can you have a separate work phone? Or turn off your push notifications on apps?

If you need more support with understanding, enforcing or maintaining your emotional boundaries, our team of sex work-positive psychologists at Sexual Health and Intimacy Psychological Services (SHIPS) are here to help.

At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with sex workers. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience, or feel we may have missed something, please contact us to let us know.

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