Unicorn: a person (not always, but usually a bisexual and cisgendered woman) who is open to joining, dating, and having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with both people in an existing (usually, but not always, hetero and cisgendered) relationship.

Unicorn Hunters: A couple (not always, but usually heterosexual and cis-gendered) specifically looking for a unicorn.

You might often see dating profiles or hear couples say something along the lines of “we are looking for a girl/woman/female/unicorn to join us”. Ignoring, for now, the issues with referring to adult women as “girls” or “females” (ugh), there can be problems with this type of unicorn hunting:

1. The use of “we” presents the couple as one unit and not as two individual people with their own ever-changing expectations and needs. This creates a power imbalance (two vs one) and assumes that the relationship is more important than individual needs.

2. Wanting people to “join” the relationship creates the idea that a ‘third’ person is only ever being invited into a relationship rather than developing a new relationship regardless of pre-existing dynamics. And being invited in implies that the couple decides when the invitation can be revoked

3. It excludes trans and non-binary people, objectifies people, and reduces them to just the purpose they can serve the couple.

There is nothing wrong with having a preference for who you would like to have a romantic and/or sexual relationship with, however, unicorn hunting is usually about, consciously or subconsciously, prioritising the original relationship above individual needs and protecting it against any potential threats. Usually, the couple has decided on the relationship rules before they are even in a relationship with the unicorn and before they have actively taken into consideration individual needs. The usual presumption within the existing relationship is that the unicorn will not have expectations or do anything that may jeopardise the existing relationship structure.

This is a form of a couple’s privilege, which is a couple’s subconscious or consciously assumed privileges over other relationships or people in their relationship network. Couple’s privilege is a product of the social, cultural, and personal prioritisation given to relationships seen as more ‘real’ or ‘valid’ (i.e., engaged, living together, married, etc). Some common unbalanced expectations placed on a unicorn include being expected to not date other people, to have an equal relationship with both people in the couple relationship, to accept any and all updates to terms and dynamics made without their input, or sometimes, to occasionally operate as a pseudo-parent or housekeeper to support the couple’s existing family structure.

Some couples hold the expectation that, when their relationship moves from being monogamous to non-monogamous, their existing relationship dynamic, agreements and boundaries will remain unchanged. Not only is this an unrealistic expectation, but it also, intentionally or unintentionally, disempowers the person who is seen as ‘joining’ the existing relationship. It can lead to people being treated as an accessory to ‘try out’ non-monogamy; unicorns are often treated by well-intentioned couples as expendable and disposable, and this can, obviously, cause a lot of harm.

Consciously engaging in between-care can help mitigate some of the unintended harm of unicorn hunting.

Between-care is an original concept by SHIPS Senior Psychologist Javiera Dastres; it involves creating an intentional space for each individual and relationship dynamic to process and share their needs and experiences throughout the relationship network in-between moments of intimacy and connection.

Between-care is about:

Showing care and respect to another person not only during moments of intimacy and connection.
Having a consistent reminder that, regardless of pre-existing dynamics, each person involved in a non-monogamous relationship has agency and requires between-care.
Emphasising that all needs and wants should be communicated and considered.
Helping to create a space to acknowledge and mitigate some aspects of couple’s privilege.
Allowing for the updating of terms of the relationship.
Allowing all individuals the freedom to decide if the current relationship dynamics are right for them.

Questions for each person in a pre-existing relationship to ask themselves if unicorn hunting:

What are my own individual needs and wants separate from those within my existing relationship?
What can I bring / what do I bring to the lives of the people that I am or will be having a relationship with?
Are my expectations reasonable, or am I imposing expectations that serve to only protect and prioritise the original relationship and soothe my fears?
Am I creating an intentional space for each relationship dynamic and individual in this relationship network to process and share their needs and experiences regardless of any pre-existing dynamics

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.