Sex & Communication

Sex, in all of its varied forms, can be one of the most intimate and pleasurable experiences we can share with someone. In our recent blog on embodiment and sex, we saw how connection to and understanding of our own bodies can improve both our mental and sexual health. In this blog, we extend this by reflecting on how we can integrate this knowledge into our intimate relationships.

How embodied we feel and how aware we are of our needs can influence how challenging we find having conversations about sex. In addition, social norms, sexual education, communication style and our attachment/relational histories also play a role in shaping our awareness and ability to interact in a connected way with others. Over time, there can be a cumulative effect of not communicating your needs and feelings that can be significant for your psychological and sexual health.

I hope that in reading this blog you might feel more open in learning about and being compassionate towards your own sexual needs and boundaries and find ways to integrate this in your relationships.

Why is it important to communicate about sex in relationships?

Effective sexual communication between partners is related to positive overall satisfaction within relationships but also more specifically to sexual satisfaction and wellbeing.

Communication increases partner awareness - People who seek help for sexual issues in their relationship often have one thinking error in common - they assume that their partner/s function in the same way that they do. Communicating helps us to understand what is happening for the other person and not make assumptions.
Communication increases self-awareness - When we start to open a channel of communication with partner/s this can provide opportunities for self-reflection. The more we can connect with and make sense of our own patterns of feelings and behaviours, the more we can know ourselves.

How do we effectively communicate about sex?

Sexual communication broadly involves three elements (Mallory, Stanton & Handy, 2019):

Sexual self-disclosure

Sexual self-disclosure includes the level of comfort with expressing sexual preferences, values and attitudes around sex as well as past experiences which may be relevant in the here and now. This can be a part of what Dr John Gottman calls building love maps, where over time in a relationship there is a process of understanding each other's inner world; a representation of memories, details of your present and hopes for the future. Gradually details are added and refined over the life of a relationship/s. Reflecting or even journaling your own sexual story, defining moments and learnings both helpful and unhelpful as well as areas for growth can be a helpful exercise to support self-disclosure.

The quality of sexual communication

The quality of sexual communication is the idea that communication is balanced and not weighted towards positive or negative aspects of sex and that there is a level of satisfaction or feeling of attunement between what is being communicated and what is needed.

Healthy sexual communication is also thought to happen through two pathways; instrumental and expressive (Byers, 2011). Proactive disclosure of likes and dislikes is a way of informing and negotiating a mutually satisfying sexual script (instrumental). This is important because sexual preferences vary individually and over time. The expressive pathway states that sexual and non-sexual self-disclosure enhances emotional connectedness and intimacy which in turn can improve sexual satisfaction.

These processes are supported by a sense of safety, that is, safety to turn towards a partner to feel vulnerable in sharing and listening to sometimes different and challenging points of view. Communicating well requires “a delicate balance of receiving and reciprocating—taking information and giving attention and care” even when it might be hard to. Having a shared space where everyone is seen and heard, where there is a positive and welcoming intent to all of our parts both vulnerable, fearful or playful and curious will foster safety and resilience. Making sure you are in the right time and space to really be present and receptive to what it is that you want to share and what messages verbally and nonverbally that are being shared with you can support this.

Building awareness of what themes or topics might lead you into feeling reactive can also be helpful as well as how you tend to respond when triggered (shut down or defensive). Common responses include mind reading (when you assume you know what someone is thinking), defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling (physically or emotionally turning away when overwhelmed) etc. We all can feel certain topics to be difficult and being able to self-soothe and regulate any distress that might arise to connect back into your values and intentions will be helpful. You won’t always agree on things but it is healthy to listen and try to understand and adopt a team perspective (us vs the concern/issue) rather than becoming defensive and adopting a me vs you approach which can lead to a loss of safety within the conversation.

Frequency of communication

Frequency captures how often sex is discussed, with more frequent discussion that is a part of an ongoing practice being associated with greater sexual satisfaction.

What can get in the way of this?

Our capacity to communicate about sex is influenced by how we have learnt to perceive and relate to ourselves and others. This learned knowledge can reflect the various systems we live in from familial to more broadly social and cultural systems. Let’s take a moment to explore some of the factors that can get in the way of open and attuned communication:

Dis/Embodiment

Embodiment is defined as “the experience of the body as engaged in the world, being fully present with the experience of being in our body” (Hilley, McBride, Kwee, 2018). If we have not learnt to tune into our bodies this might mean we never learn what is pleasurable for us or what our sexual preferences are making it difficult to in turn communicate this to others.

“Personal boundaries are the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others.” Everyone’s boundaries are different and can change over time and learning to regularly check in with signs internally that point to ‘does this feel ok and safe?’ is important. This can include noticing bodily sensations (interoception), and being attuned to your emotional responses to experiences. If there is something that doesn’t feel ok, it's noticing what that is and if there is anything that might increase safety and seeking support to integrate it into your sexual life.

Social norms and education

Social norms are scripts or rules about how to make sense of our sexual experiences and how to behave in this domain. Scripts can inform who we should have sex with, what is considered sex, and how to have sex. For example, social scripts can influence whose pleasure is prioritised like with the concept of the orgasm gap where in heterosexual relationships cis women’s pleasure may not be prioritised rather than a mutually defined understanding of what they need and want for pleasure and/or orgasms to occur. In addition, society often desexualises certain identities, for example those living with chronic health concerns or disabilities making it harder to feel safely connected to the body and sexual needs. If we feel that our sexual desires may not align with traditional scripts about what sex should look like we may also be hesitant to self-disclose due to potential rejection, embarrassment, or humiliation from others.

These beliefs can become internalised and automatic over repeated exposure during childhood and adolescence and can shape how we speak about and listen to sexual communication. They can act like filters, which we all have. For example,

So we can see how easily a message can become disrupted, interfere with communication and even lead to misunderstandings or conflict.

The quality of education we get around sex can also influence how confidently and openly we can discuss sex with partner/s. Sexual decision making and consent as well as sexual pleasure and enjoyment are topics that historically have not always been covered well within the home or in educational settings but which are helpful in normalising and increasing safe and pleasurable engagement in sex. This in turn can make it difficult to have healthy and open conversations regarding sex with partner/s. Caregivers often replicate the kinds of sexual education they experienced growing up, and may not have the knowledge and self-efficacy to in turn break the “cycle of sexual silence in the home” that is common.

If we do not understand our sexual functioning this can increase discomfort in discussing it in relationships. For example, there are different forms of desire including spontaneous and responsive. If we understand that many people experience responsive desire, that is, desire that builds gradually in the context of sexual and intimacy cues and is completely normal, then we can understand the contexts we might need to feel aroused and inform those who could support their integration.

Language may not be universal either when it comes to sex and have different meanings and connotations from person to person. For example, it can be important to be on the same page when it comes to what having sex means. For one person it may represent only penetrative sex, which is guided by social scripts, while for others it encompasses a wider range of activities including outercourse (non-penetrative) which can include kissing, sensual touch and massage. It may also include or not include direct touch, using toys or another part of the body could also be involved to sexually arouse or stimulate someone.

Attachment

What was it like to express your needs and feelings to your caregivers growing up? For example, if there was little space to do so we can carry a tendency to suppress or inhibit our own voice as an adult in relationships too. If we grew up without open communication about feelings, sexual self-disclosure might be unfamiliar or uncomfortable. There might be fears associated with this; perhaps that opening up this discussion might threaten or destabilise the relationship/s by starting conflict.

Relational history

How has your current partner/s or previous partner/s responded to you expressing your needs and feelings in the past? Being able to confidently and openly express yourself in the here and now will be shaped by patterns of how others have responded to you.

Assumptions

Over time in a relationship, we may also rely on assumptions of needs, feelings and thoughts about sex as well as commonly held stereotypes of what people need sexually. This can change for many reasons e.g. life stage/transitions, and continuing to talk about preferences in life and sexuality can enrich your relationships and sexual experiences.

Changes in intimacy over time

Emotional and sexual Intimacy changes over time in any relationship and sometimes if we hold too fast to ideals, such as intimacy should always be consistent, this doesn’t allow for the natural ebb and flow of connection, rupture and repair. Sometimes this can bring opportunities for greater closeness if we can make space for differences and conflict to sometimes occur. If we fear this, we might struggle to express ourselves and shut down or become defensive and threatened around vulnerable conversations.

Where to from here?

Making some space to learn more about what feels good/doesn’t feel good about sex can be a helpful initial step in your healing journey. We may not notice subtle signs of discomfort or stress until they accumulate and become overwhelming. Setting aside some time for self-reflection or journaling over time can help you pick up on patterns in your sexual experiences and inform what you can share with your partner/s. Helpful topics to discuss might include; your desires and sexual fantasies, practising safe sex, when you don’t want to have sex, differences in libido or changes in libido, having an ongoing conversation around consent and respecting differences in boundaries…

Psychological support can also help you unpack and understand what barriers there might be to understanding and expressing yourself. Support might also include becoming more embodied through mindful touch or sensate approaches to begin tuning into what is happening in our bodily selves during sex. Other approaches might help you understand your schemas or attachment history and use this to support the development of healthier patterns of relating to self and others, including communication.

It can also be helpful to acknowledge how communication about sex and intimacy can be challenging with health care providers, especially if we have had some negative experiences in the past. Training in sexual health is not always automatically provided to trainees so finding a practitioner who is knowledgeable, sex positive and supportive of diverse intimacy and relationship structures and practices can be helpful.

One good source of information about sexual pleasure for those with vulvas that can help you learn about what you like is the website OMGYES. The website contains a series of videos that demonstrate different types of touch, including techniques labelled “edging,” “layering” and “orbiting.” This can provide a guide to help you explore your body if you believe you have learnt to disconnect from this experience.

In addition to understanding ourselves, often a big barrier to communication is when we fall out of sync with what is happening for others involved, especially if we feel stressed or dysregulated in our nervous system. Finding a balance between honouring our own needs and rights whilst hearing and being open to the experience of others is a key to healthy communication. Attunement means being able to recognise, understand and engage with another’s emotional state as it is present both verbally and non-verbally. For example, the filters described earlier may make assertive communication difficult but someone’s body may be communicating a different story e.g. a shaking voice, difficulty with breathing or eye contact may indicate a lack of comfort or safety. This is a part of the expressive communication pathway described earlier. Listening out for meaning too or active listening, and checking/clarifying your understanding can be helpful here too.

It may be helpful to set aside some time to discuss sexuality like other relationship topics and with an intention to make time and space for all feelings, be respectful e.g. not interrupting or barging in to respond, use “I” statements (as part of assertive communication) e.g. I feel angry when…. Knowing what your communication style tends towards can be helpful in thinking about how to improve communication about sex. For example if you have more of a passive style in which you tend to downplay your feelings and needs, building confidence with self-disclosure will be an important goal.

Be realistic in that good sexual communication involves an ongoing dialogue and that at first it may be challenging. Setting aside some regular time that is intentional can deepen the experience of trust and intimacy and maybe even curiosity and adventure. Conversations about sex may not always feel good too. The reality is that there may be aspects of sexual self-disclosure that may feel vulnerable and difficult, revealing distressing, or shame-inducing to some parts of self. Try to normalise this, remind yourself that your emotional experience is valid and that communication is something to be gradually worked on.

Resources:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love

Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns: A Schema Therapy Self-Help and Support Book

Building love maps - a more general set of questions but does include some related to sex (“What turns me on sexually?) which can be a good starting point. There are some more ideas in the following article too - “How To Feel Comfortable Expressing Sexual Desires With Your Partner” *Please note, there is lots of valuable information here however, The Gottman Institute does not use inclusive language in their resources.

https://www.esterperel.com/- Lots of resources on relationships including blogs, podcasts and trainings

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.