Dissociation is an adaptive survival response to a perceived threat (externally or internally). Being in a dissociative state moves us further away from our mind, body, environment and sense of self so that we can reduce our connection with the perceived threat. Originally, this may have been the only way that we could cope with an unsafe environment. For example, suppose we are scared of a caregiver’s behaviour or experience isolation and neglect as children. In that case, we do not have the power or the means at this stage of development to understand or take action in response to this. So our clever and adaptive mind developed a way to cope with the heightened distress - to disconnect. The more severe and frequent this distress is, the more disconnected we might need to be in order to cope.

This may influence how we cope with trauma as we age. Dissociation is a common symptom of PTSD.

As an adult, who is no longer in immediate danger, our brain may continue to dissociate when it is reminded of information that has previously been associated with an extreme threat and lack of safety. This can be sensory information, thoughts, emotions, environments, association meaning, relational dynamic, and cultural scenarios that are linked to times in our life when we have not felt safe. These are triggers and potential triggers for a dissociative response.

Usually, we are not aware of all of our triggers, so this might mean that we dissociate without realising, and without realising what might have triggered us. To help develop your awareness of when, why and how you are dissociating, it can be helpful to know the signs that are specific to you.

Some signs you might be dissociating (Adapted from the Dissociative Symptom Scale (DES)):

You feel like you are floating up above yourself or standing next to yourself
You ignore pain
You feel like you are looking at the world through a fog
You feel like objects/people are far away
You have no memory of important events
You feel like your body does not belong to you
You don’t remember a section of your day e.g., How you got home
You listen to someone talk and then realise you didn’t hear all the parts of what they said
You notice belongings you don’t remember buying
You remember a past event so vividly it feels like you are currently experiencing it
You are not sure if you dreamed something or if it happened
You become so absorbed in a TV show you do not realise what is going on around you

DISSOCIATION DURING SEX

A history of sexual trauma is the most common reason someone may experience dissociation during sex. This is because the onsite sensory and relational experience may involve a plethora of triggers and associations. It is also very common for people not to be aware of these triggers, or even that they have experienced sexual trauma.

There are other traumas that may also be associated with, and triggered by sexual contact including attachment trauma, medical trauma, injuries, or other experiences that involve the body and intimacy.

Signs that you are dissociating during sex:

You feel out of your body like you are looking down on yourself
You forget about the details of what happened
You feel ‘foggy’
Not being able to feel sensations
You are not fully present and your mind goes to another place or goes blank.
You feel ‘frozen’ like you can’t move/ or you feel disconnected from your movements
You are not aware of pain, discomfort or sensations in your body

What should you do if you notice this?

Stop what you are doing
Move to a comfortable safe space
Engage in some grounding activities e.g., Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch
Seek some compassion or comfort - either give this to yourself or perhaps ask your partner/s
Reflect on what might have been triggering

If any of these resonate with you, be sure to discuss this with your psychologist. There can be other explanations for these experiences, so it is important your circumstances are evaluated by a psychologist.

HOW DO I STOP DISSOCIATING?

In order to stop dissociating, your brain and body need to be convinced that you are no longer in danger.

What might help, but will not be enough to resolve symptoms:

Understanding intellectually what is happening and that you are no longer in danger
Grounding yourself when you are triggered (this will initially, and may help over time, but may not give a full resolution of symptoms)
Avoiding triggers (this will actually make symptoms worse)

What will help resolve symptoms:

Processing and healing the original trauma (this can be done through a range of modalities. Some of these are EMDR, Schema Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS))

Resources:

Related SHIPS resources:

Sex and embodiment - By Michelle Pangallo

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.