Understanding Infidelity

Cheating is when emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually intimate behaviours that are exclusive to that relationship occur outside of it without a partner/s consent and knowledge. This means that cheating can occur in any relationship dynamic and structure, regardless of whether it’s a monogamous relationship or a non-monogamous one.

It’s difficult to know how common infidelity is as the language and questions used to define ‘cheating’ differ greatly between studies. This is not surprising considering that how people define cheating varies from relationship to relationship. Every relationship has its own definition of what constitutes cheating. Sometimes this is an agreed-upon definition. Other times, it is just assumed that everyone in the relationship shares the same definition. Regardless of how it is defined, cheating can cause a lot of pain and hurt. For many, it is a deep violation of trust which can lead to decreased self-esteem, guilt, anxiety, depression, and trauma symptoms.

Partners who have cheated might experience shame and confusion, especially if their behaviour is in direct conflict with their values and with the type of person that they thought they were or want to be, which may lead to depression, anxiety, and distress. For many of my clients who are processing the impact of infidelity on themselves, their partners, and their relationships, they tend to first place responsibility for it occurring on just one person or one aspect of the relationship. This makes sense; having an exact reason can bring a sense of control and safety during an emotionally vulnerable and highly uncertain time. Unfortunately, this can then mean that the infidelity is boiled down to concluding that there is either something wrong with the person who cheated or something wrong with the person who has been cheated on. There can actually be complex and varied reasons why someone may cheat.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel highlights how infidelity is less about sexual needs and more about “an expression of longing and loss… a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy”. To understand what is being longed for and what has been lost, it is important to look deeper at the whys and hows of infidelity within your relationship.

Understanding why cheating has occurred is not about excusing behaviours, justifying its occurrence, or resolving anyone of responsibility. And it is not about diminishing the very real pain and hurt that it can cause to individuals, families, and polycules. Rather, it is about looking at the individual and relationship dynamics that have played a role in the choices made by the partner who cheated. In other words, cheating can sometimes bring to light deeper underlying difficulties and issues being experienced within a person, between people, and within the relationship.

This is particularly important when considering that people who cheat in a previous relationship may be more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship, and people who have experienced infidelity in a previous relationship may be more likely to experience infidelity in their next relationship. It may feel easy to reduce this as proof that you can never be trusted again if you have cheated or that you are the reason for your partner/s cheating. However, this is actually highlighting that not exploring and looking deeper into cheating behaviour can mean that unhealthy individual and relationship patterns are likely to continue in current or future relationships.

The following is not at all a comprehensive list of the factors that can indirectly and directly lead to cheating behaviours. Some of these may only be one part of a large reason for someone’s actions. But it may allow for the beginnings of deeper exploration and understanding of what you and your relationship(s) may need for the process of healing and repair, which can be beneficial to your mental health beneficial to your mental health.

Disconnection from Authentic Self

Cheating behaviours can sometimes happen as a result of not acknowledging and accepting all parts of oneself. By not connecting with our authentic selves, we can end up in a relationship/s or in relationship dynamics that are not in line with our values, goals, or needs. Cheating behaviour can then serve as an opportunity to connect with the parts of ourselves that we have previously not permitted ourselves and others to see.

Difficulties with or Avoidance of Introspection

Some people avoid examining and observing their inner world and thought processes in order to avoid difficult feelings or beliefs. By not examining how we really think and feel about someone or a situation, we might then ignore the seemingly small decisions and choices that we are making that can ultimately lead to behaviours that are not in line with relationship or individual expectations. This may particularly be the case when inhibitions are lowered, such as through substances.

Conflict-Avoidance

Some people avoid expressing their feelings and needs in order to avoid difficult emotions and moments within their relationship/s. This might be due to a fear of rejection; a fear that their partner/s will reject their emotions, their needs, or them as a whole person. This fear might stem from the messages that they received growing up or in previous relationships around their needs being unimportant or not in line with how others want them to be. Avoiding conflict means that open and honest conversations are not being had and needs continue to be unmet.

Self-Sabotage

Sometimes people believe that they are undeserving of love and affection, and this may lead to them constantly anticipating being rejected or abandoned by their partner(s). This anticipation can become overwhelming and consuming. Engaging in cheating behaviours may serve to end the relationship (and end the constant anxiety) in a way that serves to further prove that they are unworthy and unlovable.

Lack of Clarity

Emotional, romantic, and/or sexual connections that occur outside of the agreed-upon boundaries of a relationship might be considered by some to be a simple “boundary slip”, while for others it is seen as a form of cheating. Sometimes these boundaries are crossed unintentionally, especially if there are assumptions about what constitutes cheating or how firm these boundaries are.

Overcompensation

Cheating can be a way to overcompensate for low self-worth. When feeling undeserving of love and affection, cheating can provide external validation and attention that can, momentarily, allow for uncomfortable feelings of low self-worth to be avoided and pushed aside. Or if someone has consistently undervalued their needs and worth, they may overcompensate for sacrifices that they believe that they have made in their life (including within the relationship) by engaging in unhealthy behaviours.

Entitlement

Some people may feel entitled to have all of their needs met regardless of the impact that it might have on others. This may come from having unhealthy views about themselves, sex, and relationships.

Self-Exploration

Some people may want to explore parts of themselves that they believe that they are not able to or permitted to explore within their current relationship. They may believe that they cannot or should not discuss this need for self-exploration with their partner(s).

Resentment

Sometimes, when people experience actual or perceived neglect or rejection from their partner, they may develop resentment towards them and the relationship as a way to protect from feelings of vulnerability (e.g., low self-esteem). This resentment can then lead to cheating behaviours as a way to covertly punish their partner(s).

Schema Chemistry

Some people find themselves inexplicably drawn to a person outside of their relationship, which they may interpret as love or sexual chemistry that should be acted on. However, sometimes this attraction may be better explained by schema chemistry, which is when our schemas are the mirror reversal of the other person’s, leading to an unconscious hope that this other person will heal and meet all of our unmet needs.

Self-Soothing

When experiencing distress or uncomfortable feelings, some people might use sex as a way to soothe themselves without considering the consequences in the moment.

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.