How to have a good fight - Part 4

Welcome to our fourth and final piece in the How to have a good fight series. This post is all about ending, and how we repair with our loved ones.

Repairing

Once the dust has settled, how a relationship repairs is really important. We are likely feeling emotionally bruised and particularly attentive to any sign that our special person ‘really isn’t over it.’ We tread carefully and softly- we want to know that our partner/s are still there for us. Conflict offers us an opportunity for intimacy- we can more deeply understand our special people.

Repairs make the bond stronger

When a plate, cup or precious ceramic falls and breaks into a thousand tiny pieces, we often throw it away, full of anger and regret. However, the Japanese art of kintsugi teaches us how to highlight and enhance the breaks, adding value to a broken object. Traditionally, this art uses a precious metal (like liquid gold) to put together pieces of a broken pottery, bringing together the fragments in order to celebrate ‘the scars’ and to give it new unique life. Repairing a relationship is much the same. It may not look how it looked before, but there is the opportunity to use the hurt, vulnerability and new emotional information learnt about each other to create something even more special.

As humans, we struggle to let go of an experience or memory until we’ve emotionally processed and made meaning from it. How many times have you noticed yourself holding a grudge about something, even when you’ve received an apology? Chances are this was because the apology either didn’t help you actually process the event, or you weren’t ready to hear the apology just yet- and that’s ok.

Picking the right time

When we try to repair with our loved one/s, we first need to consider whether we are actually ready to process the incident. Can you talk about the incident without getting ‘pulled back’ into it again? Consider reflecting on your emotional state for the today- is today a good time to process the event with my love, or is another time better? Ask yourself whether you are really ready to listen to understand and validate your partner/s perspective. If you notice that you are focusing on “the facts” and are struggling to pay attention to the emotional information, now may not be the right time. Consider whether you feel prepared to practice rigorous honesty with your partner/s, rather than persuading them of your truth, and whether you feel ready to hear that your partners’ truth may not match your version. Finally, consider the practicalities. Are we distracted? Are we stressed about bills? Are we likely to be interrupted? Do we have enough time to dedicate to this?

How to have a repair conversation

When it comes to “putting us back together again”, try:

Expressing how you felt during the event, and vice versa. The aim here is only list the emotions that came up for you, but you do not need to validate or explain why you felt this way. For example, “When we fought about who forgot to get the chicken out of the freezer, I felt angry, frustrated, unappreciated and taken for granted.” If you know that you struggle to identify your emotions with words like this, try using this wheel of emotions to help.
Talking about how you really felt is particularly important in rebuilding after a conflict. When we fight, we are vulnerable with our partner/s. As a result of the hurt, our walls come up again, protecting us from further blows or hurt. To bring these walls down again (to rebuild intimacy and trust) requires courage. The courage to show vulnerability, to show ourselves, and to represent our truth. Opportunities for vulnerability present themselves every day, but it’s important that we consciously pay attention to this in the wake of a blow up.
Preventative planning. Have an open conversation and share with each other what you can both/ all do to prevent this happening again, and what you need now to move on. Ask yourself and each other- “What do we need to do to put this incident to rest so we can move on?” This planning might involve practical steps, but it’s important that the planning includes emotional steps too. For example, “When I’m really overwhelmed at work, I would appreciate you taking over the cooking duties,” and “when I forget something, it really hurts when you call me stupid. I would like you not to use that word during those times.”
Initiate and reciprocate to minor bids for connection. After a blow up, we want to know that our special people are there for us, and that we are important and securely attached to them. So, pay attention to attempts from your partner/s to connect emotionally with you, and try to be open to them. Check our this blog by The Gottman Institute which explains in more detail what bids for connection are and how to pay attention and notice these attempts from our special ones.

Building and maintaining intimate relationships with our special people is hard sometimes. It is an ongoing conversation of how we can continue to meet each other’s needs as the relationship grows and changes. Like kintsugi, conflict offers a unique opportunity for the relationship to become something even more beautiful- one that understands and respects our partner/s vulnerability and uses this vulnerability to build closeness. Sometimes, this means processing difficult moments and tolerating discomfort to build a stronger and more intimate attachment.

At SHIPS, we have several psychologists, sex therapists and counsellors who can work with relationships and assist in repairing from conflict. If you or your relationship would like some extra support in navigating the complex dance of attachment, intimacy, vulnerability and repair, please Contact Us.