Celebrating Child-freedom by Choice
Throughout this blog when I refer to woman/women, I mean anyone who identifies as a woman. I have intentionally not included the experiences of trans-men or non-binary people choosing to go child free, as this is a different cultural experience and deserves its own space to be unpacked. I also do not address the rewards and challenges of parenting, or the struggles of people who are involuntarily without children, as this is beyond the scope of this article.
In most cultures, becoming a mother is seen as a natural, fulfilling, and all-round positive thing to do, and is traditionally viewed as a fundamental part of womanhood. Because of this, society unconsciously assumes that it’s not a matter of if a woman will have children, but when. But this assumption marginalises a growing number of women who may, after deep reflection, come to the decision to be childfree (CF) or might just have always identified as being CF. Unfortunately, many CF women not only feel misunderstood, but outright stigmatised for their decision. This is despite the fact that the Australian Bureau of Statistics estimates that child-free folk will exceed couples (or other relationship structures) with children between 2023 and 2029.
Let’s start breaking down the stigmas right here and now. I will bust some common misconceptions and present some normalising facts. Let’s understand more about what it means to be childfree by choice and celebrate what is actually an incredibly empowering decision for an individual to make.
Misconception 1 - You’ll change your mind someday
Scrolling through child free Reddit threads (a global refuge for CF folk), the most common ‘CF bingo’ phrase (invalidating things that people say to CF folk) seems to be “You’ll change your mind someday”. This comment assumes being CF is a phase in life that you’ll eventually snap out of. This is perhaps the most classic phrase that links back to the deeply rooted belief that motherhood is an inevitable part of a woman’s life. This is problematic because it removes any sense of agency from women in this matter.
This misconception also taps into the pressure for women to have children, which gradually builds as friends start popping out babies, as ageing parents hold onto hope of grandchildren, and strangers make inappropriate comments about a woman's biological clock. But the motivations that family, friends, or strangers may have are not the responsibility of the person who has decided to be CF. They should not be expected to do the emotional work for those around them.
Misconception 2 - You’ll regret it.
Another bingo phrase is “Aren’t you afraid you’ll regret it?”. Really, you could ask this question about any life decision. In fact regret can facilitate important, admittedly unpleasant, learning experiences (e.g., step away from that final tequila shot!). But it’s the way that it’s asked of CF women that is problematic. Researcher, Chrastil, talks about regret as a cultural pressure for women to be afraid of a future that is filled with guilt, loneliness, and sadness at not having children. She writes “The assumption that childless women should go through a period of anguish over the decision is a “feeling rule” that enforces the notion that childlessness is universally undesirable and that motherhood is so natural as to lie beyond the realm of critical thought.” It also highlights how one sided this question is - we rarely, if ever, ask women if they will regret motherhood. This is despite emerging social awareness about the seriously damaging myths about motherhood and research demonstrating that some women experience regret in becoming a parent.
This notion of regret also assumes that all decisions are perfect and stable over time. There are no significant life decisions that we can say we are 100% sure of, 100% of the time. Such is the bittersweetness of life, and some CF folk may have feelings of regret around this decision. But peddling the fear of regret ultimately encourages us to abandon ourselves and erode self-trust. It’s important for society to acknowledge that some women are just not as hardwired to want children as other women, and research shows that, later in life, the majority of women who chose not to have children, don’t regret this choice.
Misconception 3 - Life will be less satisfying
Another misconception is that people who are childfree live less satisfying and meaningful lives. However, research shows that overall, most folk without children are just as happy as their childrearing counterparts, and that couples without children can also have greater marital satisfaction (mostly in the short term). It’s important when looking at the research to remember that people come to the decision to be childfree through numerous different paths, and to acknowledge these differences.
It’s also encouraging to see that the approach to research is changing – most notably from using the stigmatising term ‘childless’ to the much more respectful ‘childfree’. Research has also started to look at the sense of control CF folk feel they have over their situation and how that affects wellbeing, as opposed to assuming that being childfree is an involuntary state (e.g., some people learn they can’t conceive without IVF, and actively choose not to). It’s also important to be mindful that the term childfree does not insinuate that having children is a burden, and is not a term intended to exclude or judge people who do very happily choose to have children.
Fact number 1. Mixed Feelings are normal.
For CF folk, the decision to be childfree can feel like a double-edged sword. On one hand it can be freeing, exciting, and confidence building, yet on the other hand, it inevitably involves social exclusion at some point in life. For example, having a heap of close friends becoming parents around the same time can be like everyone going on a trip to another land that you aren’t invited to. So, even if there is no desire to have children, it can still hurt to feel left out. Also, there is no comparative ritual or celebration for CF people, like baby showers and christenings, and these rituals can be uncomfortable or even triggering events to attend for some CF folk. Another thing is dealing with CF bingo and other humans who seem to think that whether you have children or not is a public matter, or something that needs converting. And so many other experiences that are more than I could attempt to list or know. Research backs up the experience of social exclusion and disconnection due to having made the decision to be CF in a pronatalist society.
Mixed feelings are also normal in people who choose to become parents. In fact, in most life circumstances and relationships having mixed emotions is completely normal! Further to that, it’s an important practice to be able to hold mixed emotions so we don’t split into either elevating a choice and putting it on a pedestal, or stigmatising and denigrating it.
Fact number 2. The decision is empowering
The ability to make the choice to be CF can be a really empowering and positive experience. A lot of CF women are grateful to be alive in a time when, for the first time in history, they get to have more control of their reproduction. Some major historic events that have led to this include:
the release of birth control in Australia in the 1960’s, second-wave feminist activists challenging the taboo of being childfree in the 1970’s,
awareness campaigns, such as The National Alliance for Optional Parenting, founded in 1972, which aims to inform the public that parenthood is a choice, and
decriminalisation of abortion in states and territories in Australia, as well as provision of safe access zones.
Despite this, not all women may be entirely free to choose to be CF, as contraception is not 100% effective, abstinence is not realistic, some women can’t access contraception, are misinformed, experience social pressure or domestic violence. Research shows that up to 50% of all pregnancies in Australia are unplanned, and 1 in 3 women will have an abortion at some point in their lives. In this light, the choice to be CF is still a fairly modern phenomenon, and brings agency to the lives of women like never before.
Fact number 3. There is so much of life to enjoy
Finally, it’s important to remember that being CF is not a derailment from an inevitable life script, but that it is actually just a continuation of a life they are content with. Being CF doesn’t mean there is something ‘missing’ from that person’s life, instead, writer Marty Ireland invites us to think of it as a ‘potential space’ that gives a woman permission to cultivate a meaningful life and an identity that isn’t entwined with motherhood. Positive psychology measures psychological wellbeing through how meaningful our life is to us. Research shows that CF women cultivate other, non-childrearing sources of a meaningful life through which they experience fulfilment, joy, and love. This way of thinking is also beneficial for women who are also mothers. It’s an empowering and equalising reminder that there is so much more to life than the identities that society prescribed us.
At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled on working with topics like deciding to go child-free. If you or your relationship may benefit from some extra support, please check out our website resources or contact us.
AUTHOR
Faustina Delany
Clinical Psychologist