How to have a good fight - Part 3

In our last two pieces, we have explored why we fight with our special people (even about irrelevant or small things), and how to stay grounded during conflict.

Communicating during a fight

Remember that when we are fighting with our partner/s and feeling overwhelmed, the amygdala is in control. We experience a flooding of our nervous system, and we enter a state of Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA). In our first article, we explored how DPA is the fight, flight or freeze response when our amygdala is sending signals to our body for the primary purpose of staying safe. The amygdala lives within the broader limbic system in the brain which looks after emotion and memory. Makes sense right- if we feel upset, angry, frustrated, or scared, our amygdala is screaming at us “you’re not safe!” and “remember what happened that one time things felt just like this and something bad happened?!?.”

Being in this protective state is great if we are running from a tiger, but not so great if we are trying to communicate with someone we love. So, what can we do to get into a better headspace? We can use grounding strategies to regulate our emotions and stress system and to bring our frontal lobes back ‘online.’ Think of the frontal lobes as the ‘adult’ part of your brain. This is the part of our brain that thinks logically, rationally, flexibly, creatively, and considers consequences and possibilities. If the amygdala is impulsive and singular focused, then the frontal lobes are careful and open-minded. The frontal lobes are also engaged when we communicate. When we stay grounded, we are able to better engage our frontal lobes and to communicate effectively with others. In this blog, we will be looking at how and what to communicate when we are feeling in conflict with our partner/s.

When we are looking to express ourselves in a conflict, we want to make sure that we are communicating in a way that is not likely to trigger a further flooding response in ourselves or our partner/s. When we know it’s not about the chicken, we can observe notice our deep fears that are being triggered in the moment. It’s a dual process that requires us to simultaneously resolve the surface issue (like who didn’t get the chicken out of the freezer), but to also attend to the inner wounds that are being activated. The right approach here is key- research by the Gottman Institute suggests that nearly 1/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach. So, what is the right approach?

Our standard approach for resolving conflict (even at work), is to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, to actively listen to what they say, and to communicate with empathy that you understand their perspective. Simple. Who are we kidding, right? That is much easier said than done, particularly when we are in conflict about our vulnerabilities or deep wounds. Instead, try the following:

Start Soft

You know that old saying “what starts in chaos, ends in chaos?” Same goes for managing conflict with our loves. When we open a conversation in a harsh, blaming, or attacking way, of course our partner/s will experience flooding. Instead of attacking our partner/s and risking dysregulation of theirs or our nervous system, we can start a conversation gently. This conveys respect and that we care about keeping this person or people close, despite the thing that is in the way right now.

Take Responsibility

When we are dysregulated, we often take a blaming stance in which our partner/s are 100% responsible for the pain we feel right now. However, as an example, in a conflict between two people, each person is responsible for their 50%. While your special person may have said or done something that went straight to the jugular, how we interpret, and respond is within our control and our 50%. When we take responsibility, we are also accepting our partner/s perspective are their truth, instead of becoming defensive. We can also offer an apology for any wrongdoing, noting that conflict almost never occurs in isolation of our response/ contribution. Reflect on how you would have liked to respond in an ideal world, and what got in the way this time.

The Feels

Here comes the scary bit.

Talk about how you are feeling.

I know. Big ask. And hard to do. However, when we are able to identify and share with our partner/s what we are feeling and *gasp* why, we are better able to empathise with our special ones. This is a way to create a shared understanding and for your partner/s to truly understand, they need a reference point. Just as we can’t mindread why our partner/s responded the way they did, we can’t expect our partner/s to automatically understand our perspective.

Share your realities and validate each other. If you are sharing, use “I” statements, what you noticed and what you needed during the event. If you are listening, focus on seeking to understand your partner/s experience. Check out our on empathetic communication for more tips. If it feels safe, disclose your triggers. Most likely, the fight wasn’t about the chicken, so share with your special person your sensitivities, and how the chicken quickly transformed into a major blow up. Take turns listening and speaking and validate your special person’s experience.

This is also a beautiful opportunity to build intimacy by being vulnerable with our partner/s. While it’s tempting to withdraw to our corners and avoid the thing that is hurting, this conveys distance, disapproval or resentment to our special ones.

Take a break

When talking about the feels, sometimes we might notice that we or our partner/s are entering a DPA state again. That’s ok and perfectly normal- it can be hard to talk about such vulnerable things, particularly if in our early attachment relationships, we weren’t shown or have experience in being open with our emotions with others. If grounding strategies fail, then it might be time for a time out. For example, you might notice that you and your partner/s are going round in circles, that someone is escalating, or that you are struggling to find words or identify experiences (numbing). Taking a break can be really helpful, but only when there is a commitment to return to the conversation once all parties are grounded again. Without this commitment, taking a break is avoidance, and that doesn’t help anyone.

Like anything, learning a new approach takes time and practice and knowing that we may not get it right all the time. However, if we approach our communications with our special people in a way that conveys care, respect, empathy and a desire to repair, we are half the way there. In our last piece, we will be exploring the idea of repair and how we bring our relationship back from a significant moment of hurt and vulnerability.