In our previous post, we had a look at why fights with our special people can escalate so quickly- remember that it’s not about the chicken. When we notice that our amygdala is in charge, it not a good time to fight. We need to down regulate the amygdala in order to engage with our special people most effectively.

grounding 101

The first step in fighting well with our special people is to help each other when we are in DPA. Though neither person wants to escalate or hurt the other, neurological flooding (the huge surge of adrenaline that happens in DPA) overrides any attempt at being rational or balanced in our thinking. Being attentive to signs that our partner/s or ourselves are moving into DPA can help us to communicate our pain more effectively. Check out this article for questions to explore with your partner/s about how to notice in yourself and others if they are escalating and how to help.

Grounding techniques can help us to bring our awareness back to the present moment where we are safe, helping us to tolerate the situation rather than being pulled into past memories or future worries. The wonderful thing about grounding strategies is that you can do it any time, anywhere! Grounding strategies work by providing biofeedback to our amygdala that we are safe and that we are in the present moment (not a three-year-old being abandoned). This feedback calms our body (through our nervous system) and our mind.

There are two main types of grounding techniques- sensory grounding techniques which use any one of the five senses, and cognitive grounding techniques which use our minds and how we speak to ourselves. Practice makes perfect, and not all techniques will work for all people. It can be helpful to try a few different techniques that find out what works for you, and then share these with your special people- you can help each other through DPA. Sensory grounding techniques can be useful before cognitive techniques, especially if you are feeling very heightened.

Sensory grounding techniques:

Splash your face with cold water. Alternatively, try running your hands under really cold water or hold ice cubes in your hands.
Name five things you can see around you. This engages the brain’s verbal system and turns down the volume on our emotional and memory systems.
Use all five of your senses to notice the world around you. Name five things you can see, 4 things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell and one thing you can tase.
Hold and notice a sensory or meaningful grounding object. It can be something that has interesting sensations when you touch it (think of a fidget spinner, a spikey ball or a ridged piece of jewellery). It can also be something that reminds you that you survived, you are loved or you are strong.
Use a grounding smell. Strong smells (like essential oils) can help to bring our attention back to here and now.
Push your feet hard into the floor, and really pay attention to the ground beneath you- literally ground yourself.
Take deep breaths. Deep and long exhales are the ‘restore factory settings’ button for our amygdala.
Eat something.
Move your body.
Walk away and take a break.
Have a bath or a shower.

Cognitive grounding techniques :

Notice where are when you are. Describe where you are, what is around, and when you are. For example, “I am in my house in Melbourne. I can see my bed and my couch. It is 10am on the 2nd of October, 2020.
Say kind statements to yourself. Say them as if you are talking to a small child. For example, “You are being so brave. You are safe and loved now.”
Use coping statements like “I can do this. I am ok.”
If you notice old memories or wounds, you can remind yourself that these are things in the past. For example, “I am here, now. Person X is not my mum. I am not who/ where I was then.”

Once we have grounded into the present moment, we are better able to engage our frontal lobes. The frontal lobes are what allow us to think logically, to be flexible in our thinking and to use emotional information in a helpful way. In our next post, we will be exploring how and what to communicate to your special people when we fight.

How to have a good fight - Part 2

grounding 101

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