How to have a good fight - Part 1

In this four-part series, we will breaking down how to have a good fight. We all do it, so let’s talk about why it happens and how we can support ourselves and our special people for the best possible outcome.

Why do we fight?

In any intimate relationship (sexual, romantic, platonic or otherwise), it is inevitable that the time will come when we disagree. As humans, we share a deep need to feel securely connected to others. This is called attachment and is modelled in our earliest relationships as children. In order to understand why we fight, we first need to understand the how attachment works, because this explains our psychological blueprint and motives us in relationships.

The relationships we have with care givers in our life as children builds our expectations and rules about ourselves, others and the world. When care givers are accessible, responsive and engaged with us when we are little, we learn to expect the same from other people, and expect that these are the types of relationships we deserve as adults. We understand that we are important and special to other people, and that our feelings matter. Similarly, if the adults in our life were distracted, tended to ‘come and go’ or were chaotic, we may have learnt to be self-sufficient and to not place our trust in others. We might not have experienced being vulnerable with someone else either because that was not an available opportunity, because our feelings were diminished or because we would perhaps be punished.

As we mature, our intimate relationships become our primary source of attachment and security and are influenced by this earlier model and the rules we learnt as children. Subconsciously, we expect that our partners will behave as our caregivers did.

So what happens when we trying to connect in intimate relationships? We show vulnerability in order to build closeness and we take off our armour as we begin to feel safer and more connected with our special people. As wonderful as all that good connection juju can feel, vulnerability can also expose old wounds and deep fears. When we show vulnerability, we are asking our special people- can I show you this part of me and will you stick around and keep me safe? However, without our armour, sometimes innocuous behaviour can feel like the stings and jabs by our special people. We hurt more because we care more.

We can think of fights like an iceberg. Part of our thoughts and feelings are visible but the vast majority of it lies underneath the surface, barely seen. The topic of the fight (like who was supposed to get the chicken out of the freezer) is the tip of the iceberg, whereas underneath the surface there can be core fears that are driving this behaviour. Are you there for me? Am I safe with you? Can you hold me? Am I special to you? Will you stick around even when things get hard?

When we fight with our special people, our feeling of love and connection is at risk of disappearing- our need to feel connected to others is threatened. It is scary and alarming, and we respond as such. From an attachment perspective, this is called protest behaviour. Think of how a small child responds when left alone by an important adult- they cry, they stamp their fists, they scream- they protest. As adults, when our connection is threatened (by our special people not being accessible, responsive or engaged), we also protest (albeit with a little more control). As some of my friends put it, it’s almost never about the chicken.

So why do we feel so angry or scared when we fight about the chicken? Attachment is connected to our survival and so when this is (or feels like is) being threatened our amygdala takes over. Research tells us that when our connection to others is threatened, our brain processes this in the same way that other threats are- our fight, flight or freeze system turns on. This makes sense- connection is key to our survival!

Our amygdala is the part of our brain that processes fear and it’s powerful- we can’t reason with our amygdala or tell it to ‘calm down.’ When our amygdala gets activated, we enter state called Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) (the fight, flight or freeze response). In DPA, our heart beats faster (and we might breathe quicker), the blood flow to our vital organs slow (and we might feel nauseous or have ‘butterflies’) and our adrenaline sky rockets (which is why we feel jittery). We can’t process communication when we are in DPA- that part of our brain (frontal lobes) isn’t at its’ best. When we are in DPA, we might shut down or stop talking, or we might talk in circles- either way, no one is engaging and communication effectively. Once our brain and body are flooded with adrenaline, an argument can’t go anywhere. As Dr John Gottman said- “when you’re in conflict with somebody and you become flooded with fear or anger, all your best intentions can go out the window.”

When we fight about the chicken, our amygdala only recognises that there is a threat to connection- it doesn’t consider whether it is realistic or not. We go into DPA and we show protest behaviours (all before we have even realised that it’s not about the chicken). It’s a normal, human and evolutionary response… but it’s not always helpful.

In our next post, we will be exploring how to ground when our attachment fears are triggered, in order to communicate and repair with our special people more effectively.