Enabling vs Being Supportive in Relationships

Supporting a loved one through an emotionally distressing time can be invaluable; it can show them that they are loved and cared for and that they are not alone.

However, sometimes the ways in which we support someone can have the unintended consequence of creating a cycle of unhealthy dependency. How can you make sure that your words and actions are supporting someone through their difficulties rather than enabling them?

Enabling someone is:

Solving or trying to fix all of their problems.
Doing things for them that they are capable of doing themselves.
Leading them to believe that they can’t do things on their own.
Excusing their harmful behaviours.
Allowing them to avoid any responsibility and accountability and the consequences of their actions.
Creating an expectation that you will always be there for them even when it impacts your own needs.
Using their difficulties to make yourself feel better as someone who can help or ‘save’ them.
Setting the relationship up so that they are always dependent on you or others.

Supporting someone is:

Encouraging them to use the problem-solving skills and strategies they already have.
Letting them know you have confidence in their abilities and helping them when they are incapable/limited in the moment..
Empowering them to learn how they can support themselves.
Helping them engage in helpful behaviours.
Letting them know that you love and care about them but don’t support their harmful behaviours.
Setting clear boundaries about how and when you can be there for them.

Motivating them to expand their support network and share the support with others (and realising your inherent self-worth).

Fostering their growth and independence and a sense of hope for change.

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.