Our attachment style describes the way we have learnt to meet out needs in relation to others. We learn this during our early experiences with a caregiver and this forms the blueprint for how we function in in adult relationships.

Fearful/avoidant attachment involves a simultaneous intense desire for and fear of intimacy. Historically, being close to others has not been safe, so people with this attachment style are usually hypervigilent to signs of that others might be manipulating or harming them which can change the way they interpret the intentions of their partner/s behaviour. They may also develop strategies (temporary, but ultimately ineffective/not sustainable) for gaining a sense of intimacy while maintaining protection and this can lead to profound swings in behaviour and mood when in a relationship.

Understand your triggers & cycle

If you have fearful/disorganised attachment patterns, there will be particular internal or external triggers that will provoke a cycle of anxious thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

Eg. Partner makes a new friend and is spending lots of time with them-> Think: They like this person better than me ->They are going to cheat on me -> Feel: Angry & scared-> Behaviour: Accuse partner of cheating on you

Notice the signs of when you are triggered

To build new patterns, it is first necessary to notice when the old ones are repeating themselves.

When you have fearful/disorganised attachment patterns, you are likely to experience a quick escalation in the your cycle.

For example:

There may not be a lot of time between thoughts, feelings and behaviour. It is useful to know what each stage looks like/feels like for you so you can notice.

For example:

Notice feelings in the body: Pulsing head, racing heart, numb, sinking feeling in stomach
Notice themes of thoughts: Assuming the worst, partner is against me, there is a secret I don’t know about, they are not who I thought
Notice trigger behaviours: Accusing, yelling, emotional dumping with friends, drinking, self-harming behaviours

Understanding where they come from

If you have a fearful/disorganised attachment pattern as an adult, then it is useful to identify the experiences that led to this as a child eg. neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse, narcissistic parents.

Recognising where the attachment style helps you to link the trigger & the cycle to the real sources.

Your partner’s behaviour might have triggered the cycle, but the cycle and all the thoughts, feelings and behaviour that are connected to it, is an adaptation from your early experiences. The fear is connected to the past, not to the current circumstances.

Learning to connect, to ground, challenge thoughts, set boundaries & self-soothe.

Building new patterns involves grounding, identifying the distortions in your thought patterns, setting boundaries to keep you safe and self-soothing.

Ways that you can ground:

Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things your can touch, 2 things you can hear
Splash your face with cold water
Go for a walk
Take some long deep breaths

Ways that you can challenge thoughts:

Am I making any assumptions?
Are there other explanations for this behaviour?
What evidence do I have that this thought is true?
Am I jumping to conclusions?

Setting boundaries:

Identify the feared situation that would not be ok for you and communicate this Eg. It would not be ok if my partner/s had sex with someone else, I will make sure we are on the same page
Identify the steps you can take to look after yourself Eg. If my partner did not respect this, I would leave the relationship
Identify what you need from your partner to help you to feel safe and loved Eg. to make sure they also spend time with you

Ways that your can self soothe:

Repeat soothing affirmations - ‘You are loved’, ‘You are safe’
Soothing self-touch on head or chest
Pat an animal
Spend time in a safe & beautiful place eg. garden

Build a new relationship blueprint

Once you are able to recognise the old cycle and ground yourself, it is time to start replacing this with a new blueprint for a healthy relationship. This includes thoughts, feelings and behaviours that help you to have secure attachments

Examples:

Notice: My partner respects my boundaries and communicates with me transparently. Notice the consistency in your partner’s behaviour
Feeling: Notice the times that your feel able to express how you feel and feel safe with your partner/s
Behaviour: Notice when you act calmly and intuitively without filtering or watching your behaviour

*Image made by Mikaela - Event & Communication Assistant*

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.