Part 1: How to Start Talking to Your Partner About Non-Monogamy

This article is written from the perspective of a psychologist working with clients who are exploring and practising non-monogamy. We would like to acknowledge that everyone’s experience and perspective is different and valuable, and we would like to promote the experiences and perspectives of people with lived experience. If you would like to give us any feedback regarding the content of this article or would like to share any of your experiences, we would love to hear it. Just click on the Contact Us button at the end of this article.

DISCLAIMER: Since this article was written, discourse on non-monogamy has progressed and there is better awareness of the power of language on how non-monogamy is viewed. The use of the words ethical and/or consensual when discussing non-monogamy “may subtly reinforce harmful stereotypes and negative moral judgements about [non-monogamy]” (Ansara, 2020). Both non-monogamy and monogamy can be ethical and unethical. Therefore, the qualifiers ethical and consensual have been removed from this updated version of the article.

Interested in potentially exploring non-monogamy within your relationship and unsure of how to start the conversation with your partner?

Non-monogamy can be a liberating new chapter in a relationship. It can allow for the exploration of new parts of ourselves and bring about new levels of trust and intimacy in a relationship. A lot of this comes down to having productive, safe, and compassionate conversations. One of the most important conversations you will have about non-monogamy is the first one - setting out your intentions and care for the relationship so that you can figure out what is right for you and your partner. So to help with this, I have put together some ideas that might be helpful for the first conversation that you may have with your partner about non-monogamy.

Let’s start with a definition so that we’re on the same page.

Non-monogamy is defined as “a committed romantic relationship wherein all partners consent to sexual and/or romantic encounters with other consenting individuals”. There are various types of non-monogamy, including swinging, polyamory and open relationships, but all individuals in non-monogamous relationships hold consensus about the terms of their relationship. Regardless of the type of non-monogamy agreed upon, non-monogamous relationships share common themes of communication, honesty, and negotiation.

What does non-monogamy mean for/about the relationship?

While some believe that non-monogamy is a sign of unhappiness within a relationship, research has shown this to be quite untrue. When compared to people in monogamous relationships, those in non-monogamous relationships appear to experience similar levels of relationship satisfaction, slightly higher levels of sexual satisfaction, and higher orgasm rates.

Some perceive those who desire or practice non-monogamy as doing so in order to fulfil an unmet need. This is also untrue, with individuals in polyamorous relationships reporting no difference in the multitude of needs being met by their partners (autonomy, closeness, emotional support, security, self-esteem, self-expansion, and sexual fulfillment). In other words, one relationship is not compensating for other relationships, and all of them are considered to be fulfilling. Interestingly, non-monogamous individuals who are more sexually fulfilled in one relationship are more likely to feel greater relationship satisfaction with their subsequent partners, which highlights the importance of satisfaction in all relationships. This means that both non-monogamous and monogamous relationships can be equally satisfying and fulfilling.

How common is non-monogamy?

Interest in non-monogamy has increased over the last decade or two, with a 2016 study on Google trends finding a significant increase in the number of anonymous Web queries on polyamory and open relationships over a 10-year period. Whilst research into non-monogamy is expanding, the true current prevalence of non-monogamous relationships is thought to be unclear and underreported due to the lack of large and diverse data. Furthermore, past and current research tends to focus only on hierarchical polyamorous relationships (i.e., primary vs secondary partners). This can intentionally or unintentionally ignore the various relationship structures that do not conform to traditional assumptions around there being a ‘main’ or primary partner or relationship.

With this in mind, the prevalence of non-monogamous relationships appears to vary across studies:

A 2014 Australian study on heterosexual couples found that 1% were engaging in non-monogamous relationships;
Two studies from the United States found that approximately 4-5% of the participants were in non-monogamous relationships (see here and here);
Around 21% of single participants from a 2016 study in the United States reported having previous experience in non-monogamy.

It has been suggested that non-monogamy is practiced by people of different and varied backgrounds, with no differences found in the race/ethnicity, age, education level, income, religion, geographic region, or political affiliation of those who have reported previous experience in non-monogamous relationships. And this has been my experience working with various clients who are interested in non-monogamy or are in non-monogamous relationships.

So you want to talk to your partner about non-monogamy...

I have put together some steps for your first conversation to help you set yourself up for a productive, sensitive, and useful conversation for your relationship. While this first conversation is an important one, it is likely that you may need to have several to unpack emotional responses, make plans, and set boundaries.

1. ENGAGE IN SELF-REFLECTION FIRST

Before you approach your partner to discuss non-monogamy, first figure out what you want from non-monogamy and why. I have asked my clients interested in non-monogamy to be honest with themselves; is this interest in non-monogamy about exploration, or does non-monogamy seem appealing because you hope that it may provide an escape from or a solution to a problem within your current relationship?

If it’s the latter, it is important to keep in mind that happy, healthy non-monogamous relationships require a high degree of openness, honesty, and communication, potentially more so than in monogamous relationships. Non-monogamy is not a bandaid and will not eliminate current difficulties in the relationship but, rather, may highlight them.

Relevant to this, individuals in hierarchical polyamorous relationships who indicate feeling more sexually fulfilled with their secondary partner and not their primary partner have reported experiencing lower sexual satisfaction in their primary relationship. This implies that any issue in your current relationship, such as feeling sexually dissatisfied, may be emphasised by its absence in any other romantic or sexual relationship. This has the potential of creating unhappiness and instability within your current relationship.

If your interest in non-monogamy is motivated by exploration, then you wouldn't be alone in that.Individual growth and development are some of the common reasons for and outcomes of non-monogamy, and people in swinging relationships are reported as being more likely than those in monogamous relationships to describe their lives as “exciting”. There are numerous resources that can help you get a better understanding of the various reasons and motivations for non-monogamy (see the resources section below).

2. HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Some clients have indicated that, when they have expressed their desire to have sexual or emotional connection with others, it has brought up strong emotions for their partners. Therefore, it is important to have realistic expectations about how your partner may respond to the discussion.

For some people, this discussion may bring up existing insecurities around their worth, their attachment in relationships, or their desirability. Your partner may already have a strong opinion about non-monogamy or it may be a topic that they have never considered before. Entering a relationship with the spoken or unspoken assumption of monogamy and then raising the topic of non-monogamy with your partner means that you are challenging the relationship’s current contract and potentially destabilising its structure.

It is, therefore, normal for someone to react to the idea of non-monogamy with insecurity, confusion, or uncertainty. There is also the possibility that non-monogamy is something that your partner also wants, so the discussion may be filled with joy and relief. It is important to be prepared for all and many variations of responses. Regardless of how your partner reacts, responding to their reaction with kindness and non-judgement is very important for the conversation and for your relationship.

Your partner’s response may also trigger strong emotions for you. Therefore, it is important for you to understand how to effectively manage and communicate your own emotions when feeling triggered in order to allow for the conversation to continue to be a productive and meaningful one.

3. CHOOSE THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE

You should ask yourself whether your relationship is currently healthy and stable and able to withstand the potential impacts of discussing an emotionally loaded topic. Some individuals who have reported being unwilling to engage in non-monogamy have expressed beliefs that partners who suggest a non-monogamous relationship structure are “offensive, selfish, disrespectful, and had poor character”. While this does not suggest that your partner will hold the same assumptions about you, ensuring that your relationship is one with mutual respect and trust may help provide balance to your partner’s likely strong emotions. You might want to consider Psychology Today’s article on the ten signs of a healthy relationship to help you determine if it’s the right time in your relationship to discuss and explore non-monogamy.

It is also important to ensure that you and your partner are in the best headspace and frame of mind in the lead up to discussing non-monogamy. Relationship coach, Effy Blue, notes four things that indicate that you should halt a conversation due to their potential impact on how productive and conducive the conversation can be: feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Choosing to raise the topic of non-monogamy when you are both feeling relaxed and content is more likely to allow for a respectful and open conversation.

Along with considering your and your partner’s physiological and mental state, ensure that you both have sufficient time to discuss non-monogamy. While it might feel less confronting to raise this topic just as your partner is heading out the door, not allowing enough time for the both of you to express your thoughts and feelings may lead to misunderstandings or feeling unheard.

4. OUTLINE YOUR INTENTIONS AND HOPE FOR THE CONVERSATION.

Once you have the right time and place to be discussing non-monogamy, start the conversation with your partner by telling them about how and what you know about non-monogamy. Outline that they do not need to immediately agree or disagree with anything that you are proposing or suggesting. Following this, be honest and clear about what you like about non-monogamy and how you see it potentially being a part of your lives. Throughout, express genuine interest in wanting to know their thoughts and feelings about what you have raised so far and reinforce the importance of the relationship and its evolution and safety. Some of my clients in non-monogamous relationships have indicated that increased honesty between them and their partner has allowed for increased intimacy and connection within their relationship.

5. ACTIVELY LISTEN

Being non-judgmental, kind, and supportive of your partner and their likely strong response is crucial in creating a safe space conducive to a productive conversation. It is important that you are able to actively listen to and understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings as this will help you really understand (or really want to understand) what they need. Active listening means focusing on what the other person is saying by (a) showing through verbal and non-verbal communication that you are interested in what they have to say, (b) allowing them to say what they need to say, and (c) ensuring that you have understood them clearly by summarising or paraphrasing what they have said.

6. SEPARATE THE NEED OF THE RELATIONSHIP FROM INDIVIDUAL NEEDS

Remember to view this discussion (and any future ones) as being about you and your partner working together rather than against each other. This means that you both need to understand each other’s individual needs and perspectives and then work towards the best decision for the relationship. Conversations are more likely to be successful if your partner can feel that you are not just advocating for your needs. What works for the relationship might look different to what would work for you as an individual.

7. GIVE YOUR PARTNER TIME AND RESOURCES

It is important for your partner to be given the time to emotionally process everything that has been said and to not feel pressured to respond right away. Remember, you are likely to be coming into the conversation with a better idea than your partner of what non-monogamy is, and therefore, you are further along in your understanding of your own needs and wants than they are in that moment.

This means that it is important for you to be compassionate and understanding of their reaction and their need for more time. Let your partner know that you understand that they may need time and space to reflect and process their thoughts, and then set another time to come back and discuss the topic. Reassure them of your commitment to the relationship and find a way to reconnect with them either immediately following this conversation or in the coming days.

In understanding your partner’s initial responses, take into consideration that the two most common reasons people have given for not wanting a non-monogamous relationship were mononormativity (valuing monogamy over non-monogamy due to its assumed naturalness and normality) and an unwillingness to experience potential feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, neediness, and insecurity in their romantic relationships. Providing your partner with the resources below may help them further process and understand their own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings.

However, it is important that you share resources with the genuine intention of wanting to help them better understand non-monogamy and without the expectation that this will then result in your partner agreeing to being in a non-monogamous relationship with you. Coercing your partner into non-monogamy, either gently or forcefully, means that it will not be a truly consensual non-monogamous relationship. This will then only lead to relationship dissatisfaction and is not conducive to a happy, healthy relationship. This is in line with research finding that both non-monogamous and monogamous people are more likely to feel fulfilled and happy in their relationships if they feel in control of their sexual encounters and are engaging in sex because they value sex and/or want to experience pleasure and closeness.

Final Thoughts

Whether this conversation with your partner is the first of many that then leads to a non-monogamous relationship or it results in you both making the decision to remain monogamous, having the opportunity to be open and honest will hopefully help create a happy and healthy relationship within yourself and your relationship!

Had your first conversation and want to get started? Check out Part 2: How to Start a Non-Monogamous Relationship.

RESOURCES

Related SHIPS Resources

Part 2: How to Start a Non-Monogamous Relationship

Part 3: How to Maintain a Non-Monogamous Relationship

Glossary of Relationship Structures

The Ethics and Ways of Telling Someone That You’re Non-Monogamous

Unicorn Hunting

Books

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Janet W Hardy.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

Television

You Can’t Ask That, Series 1, Episode 5, “Polyamorous”

You Can’t Ask That, Series 3, Episode 5, “Swingers”

Workshops

Opening Up to Opening Up

This pre-recorded workshop offered by Curious Creatures is “for people seeking the tools for more successful non-monogamous relationships and also for people starting out, that want to know more about where they sit on a spectrum of monogamous to not-at-all-monogamous. It makes no assumptions that any type of relationship is right for all people.”

Groups

Constantly Training

This is a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to “creating spaces for male-identifying folk to talk about their stuff”. They hold weekly men’s circles for men in non-monogamous relationships to share and discuss the challenges and rewards of their relationships and their mental health journey

Recommendations from our readers:

Youtube

Jessica Fern author of Polysecure youtube channel

Podcasts

https://www.multiamory.com/podcast

At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with people who are practising or interested in practising non-monogamy. If you may benefit from some support on this topic, please check out our website resources or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience, or feel we may have missed something on the topic of non-monogamy, please contact us to let us know.