What do I do if I want non-monogamy but my partner doesn't? (or vice-versa)

We all have different ideas of how we want our intimate relationships to look like. This can be around how we share responsibilities, how we show care and love to one another, and how we support each other in achieving our goals. This can also be around the relationship structure that we want, such as whether our relationship will be or will remain monogamous or non-monogamous.

Sometimes, the relationship structure that you desire might not be the same as that of your partner(s). This difference might be known to you at the beginning of the relationship, or it might be something that comes up for you later in the relationship. I have worked with clients who have started their relationships in monogamous pairings and have then expressed an interest in exploring non-monogamy. I have also seen the opposite, where clients in non-monogamous relationships have wanted to venture into monogamy.

Many of us tend to enter relationships with spoken or unspoken assumptions that the relationship will remain as it was when it started. This means that when you raise the topic of changing the relationship, including whether this is changing it from non-monogamy or to non-monogamy, you are challenging the relationship’s current contract. It is, therefore, normal for someone to react to the idea of change with insecurity, confusion, or uncertainty. And this can be amplified if it highlights a mismatch of relationship wants, needs, and expectations.

If there is a mismatch in the type of relationship that you and your partner(s) want, it is important to have an open and honest conversation with them about your needs and desires. This can be a difficult conversation, but by taking the time to understand and discuss each person’s fears, needs, hopes, and expectations, you can have a clarifying conversation that can help you decide the best next steps for you, your partner(s), and your relationship(s).

Below I have put together some topics and questions that might help elicit productive, sensitive, and useful internal reflection and external conversations that can allow you to navigate the mismatch between a desire for monogamy and a desire for non-monogamy between you and your partner(s).

1. Make sense of your fears and worries.

Some common fears and worries around non-monogamy are about being replaced or abandoned, feeling jealous, experiencing social stigma, and losing the safety and security of the relationship. Some common fears and worries about monogamy are loss of freedom, feeling trapped or bored, missing out on experiences, and infidelity.

In ‘How to Maintain a Non-Monogamous Relationship’, I discussed how ‘attachment wounds’ and jealousy can trigger existing fears, anxieties, and insecurities. It is these same fears, anxieties, and insecurities that can consciously or unconsciously drive our desire for a particular relationship structure. While it is normal to have some of these fears and worries, if we’re not aware of what they are, where they come from, and how we are currently dealing with them, we might be making choices that are fear-driven rather than coming from a place of awareness and connection to self.

Fear-driven decisions tend to involve making reactive choices that aim to protect ourselves through avoiding having our fears and worries triggered and avoiding feeling distressed by them. While avoidance can provide some relief, this is usually temporary as we can never completely avoid being triggered. It also usually leads to hypervigilance, increased anxiety, and low self-confidence; if we tell ourselves that something needs to be avoided at all costs because it’s too big and scary for us to cope with, we never get to use and trust in our ability to cope and overcome our fears. Within relationships, avoidant coping usually leads to rigid or controlling relationship ‘rules’ and behaviours, unexamined couple’s privilege, a lack of between-care, and the devaluing of other relationships (monopride/polyphobia or polypride/monophobia; both of these are discussed further below).

“Making sense of your fears and worries” isn’t about finding a way to make them disappear (most of our fears and worries can’t just go away) or just ignoring and pushing through them (this only leads to the fears and worries coming up in other ways and/or resentment building). It’s about knowing what your fears and worries are, understanding where they come from, knowing how to self-regulate and co-regulate when they pop up, and making choices that are not fear-driven. Engaging is some deeper trauma clearing or catharsis might also be necessary in allowing for the fear and pain from the original wound to be retriggered less frequently or intensely.

Knowing and compassionately holding the fears and worries that are driving your reasons for not wanting to explore non-monogamy or monogamy can also help you better explain them to your partner(s) to allow for deeper understanding. Naming these fears can then create space to work out if and how these concerns can be planned for or managed in a respectful and compassionate way, regardless of whether or not your relationship structure changes moving forward.

Questions to consider:

Do you fear being in a non-monogamous or in a monogamous relationship? What are you afraid of? And where might this fear come from?
What do you worry will be lost if your relationship changes to non-monogamy or from non-monogamy?
How are these fears and worries showing up in your current relationship(s), either consciously or unconsciously?
Are these fears and worries actually about past pain and not about your current relationship(s)?
What are you currently doing to work through your fears and worries?
Is the way that you are currently coping with your fears and worries helpful or unhelpful for you and/or your partner(s) now and/or in the long term?
Are the changes and challenges that are likely to happen within your relationship(s) reasonable and manageable?
What kind of support do you need to help you manage your fears and worries?

2. Get clear on your wants and needs and their order of importance.

Getting clear on your wants and needs is essential for determining what you want from yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship(s). Once you have a good understanding of this, you can start to think about how your wants and needs align with your current relationship(s) and how they would or wouldn’t align with a change to the relationship structure. No relationship will ever be perfect and meet all of your needs, but knowing the order of importance for each of your wants and needs can allow you to explore how they can be met within and outside of your relationship(s), regardless of its structure.

Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all for any relationship, monogamous or non-monogamous. Knowing what matters most to you in a relationship and what your needs are will allow you to set and respect your boundaries and expectations and those of your partner(s). This means that you and your partner(s) might be able to explore different ways that needs can be met without trying to adhere to a particular idea of what monogamy or non-monogamy ‘should’ or ‘must’ look like.

As mentioned in ‘How to Start Talking to Your Partner About Non-Monogamy’, engaging in honest self-reflection about your wants and needs is also vital in understanding why you might want a particular relationship structure. If you’re wanting non-monogamy, is this because you’re wanting self-exploration? Or is it appealing because you hope that it may provide a solution to a current relationship or personal issue? If you’re wanting monogamy, is this because this relationship structure is needed for you to grow and learn? Or does it allow you to avoid some difficult truths about yourself or your current relationship(s)? Once you understand your own motivations, you can better explain them to your partner(s) and establish a shared vision for the future.

It's also important to remember that your wants and needs may change over time. As you grow and learn more about yourself, you may find that you are looking for something different in a relationship. That's okay! It's important to be aware with yourself and your partner(s) that changes to wants and needs are likely to happen and to remain open and honest with each other. All happy and healthy relationships require a high degree of openness, honesty, and communication. And this includes being open and honest about your wants and needs.

Questions to consider:

What are you looking for in an intimate relationship? What are your sexual needs? Your emotional needs? Your social needs? Your logistical needs? Your non-negotiables?
Have you honestly and openly communicated about you needs and wants with your partner(s)? If not, what is getting in the way of this?
What is your love language? And what is the love language of your partner(s)? How do they match up or conflict?
Is stability or adventure more important to you?
Can any of your needs be met somewhere else or in another way without necessarily relying on what structure your relationship has? For example, can these needs be met by you, by friends, etc?
What wants and needs do you hope will be gained through non-monogamy or through monogamy? Is this realistic and reasonable?
Do your hopes take into consideration you, your partner(s), and your relationship(s)?
How do you see your relationship(s) changing in the future? Do you see yourself being non-monogamous or being monogamous for the long term?
Does monogamy or non-monogamy seem appealing because you hope that it may provide an escape from or a solution to a problem within your current relationship(s)? If it is, what might this be telling you about your current relationship(s) with yourself and with your partner(s)?

3. Know where your beliefs about monogamy and non-monogamy come from.

We all have different opinions and beliefs about monogamy and non-monogamy. But it’s important to explore where these opinions and beliefs come from and how they are shaping your choices and decisions around relationships.

Much like in other areas of our lives, our values around relationships are formed through the constructs placed by the dominant culture that we’re in and through our experiences. In other words, the messages we absorb, the things we observe, and the experiences we have about relationships will shape our beliefs and attitudes about both monogamy and non-monogamy.

For many of us, our ideas about relationships have mostly come from a mononormative culture; that is, a culture that holds monogamous coupledom as the ideal and as the only ‘natural, healthy, and morally correct way’ to have a relationship.

If monogamy is portrayed as the only normal way to have relationships, wanting anything other than a monogamous relationship can then seem as though it is ‘unnatural’ or ‘abnormal’, and this is likely to lead to negative assumptions about those who prefer non-monogamy. On the other hand, wanting only a monogamous relationship may be viewed as unhealthy conforming to mononormativity, with non-monogamy being a more ‘superior’ way of having relationships.

These polarising views have been referred to as the Mono-Poly Wars where monopride/polyphobia (“the psychosocial consideration of monogamy as variously natural, optimal, or superior…that condemn[s] non-monogamy as psychologically immature, morally pernicious, and even religiously sinful”, p.821) and polypride/monophobia (“the consideration of polyamory as variously natural, advantageous, or superior…[with] a critical characterization of monogamy as unnatural, hypocritical, or morally and spiritually bankrupt”, p.823) have led to an unhelpful binary. And it is this binary that might be inadvertently shaping how you and your partner(s) are viewing a change to the relationship structure.

Questions to consider:

What do you know about non-monogamy and monogamy? Is what you know based on healthy and realistic representations?
What messages were you exposed to, consciously or unconsciously, about monogamy and non-monogamy growing up?
What are your thoughts on the cultural expectations around monogamy?
What are your thoughts on the social stigmas associated with non-monogamy?
What do you believe are the benefits and challenges of monogamy and of non-monogamy?
Do your beliefs tend to lean towards monopride/polyphobia? Or towards polypride/monophobia?
What are your personal values around monogamy and non-monogamy?
What are your experiences with monogamy and non-monogamy?
How might your beliefs and experiences be influencing how you are feeling about changing your relationship structure?

4. Be curious about the perspective of your partner(s).

Our inner world is made up of different parts that hold different interests, experiences, and beliefs. Some of our parts can hold extremely opposing views; e.g., “I want to save money by cooking my meals and I want to save time and effort by buying take-out”, or “I really want a romantic relationship and I never want to feel vulnerable”. It is this polarisation and internal conflict that can lead us to be indecisive, ambivalent, or contradictory in our words and actions.

In relationships, the internal polarisation that we have about particular issues can become externalised. This means that we move away from “I am having conflicting feelings and thoughts about an issue” to “My partner’s perspective conflicts with mine”. In other words, we are “outsourcing the side of the argument we don’t want to hold, [so that], as our partner champions one side, we champion the other.”

With internal polarisation, we can usually work through finding alignment and balance, either on our own or through therapy, to allow us to make helpful decisions and choices that are in line with our goals and values. However, polarity within a relationship can mean that we focus on firmly defending our point of view and pushing back against our partner’s perspective, resulting in an unhelpful battle where we believe that there must be a clear winner. But what is actually most helpful is to move away from “me vs my partner(s)” to “us vs the issue”, particularly if we are wanting productive and empathic conversations.

Strategies for moving toward “us vs the issue”:

Validate your partner’s perspective. Validating their perspective doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with it, but it signals to them that you can respect their point of view regardless of it being in conflict with yours.
Notice and empathise with your partner’s feelings. Feeling understood is not really an intellectual process, it is an emotional one. We want to know that our partner is attuned to and noticing how we feel.
Roleplay swapping places and perspectives. Truly consider and feel each other’s perspective by swapping and speaking from the other’s position. Notice and acknowledge if there is anything from their point of view that resonates with you; this helps you find common ground and can bring a sense of unity to the conflict.
Acknowledge the parts of you that hold polarising perspectives about monogamy and non-monogamy. Notice how that internal conflict is playing out in the conflict within your relationship.

5. Reflect on your current communication and conflict resolution skills.

The most important things needed in order to maintain relationships are communication and conflict resolution skills. This becomes even more important if you have or would like to have more than one intimate relationship.

How you and your partner(s) approach and manage difficult conversations, such as ones around a mismatch in relationship needs, can give you some valuable insight into how you will approach future challenges. And this can help you identify areas of personal growth and learning that might need to be addressed first.

If you are in a monogamous relationship and considering non-monogamy, it is important to be aware that the addition of different relationship dynamics will not diffuse conflict but is more likely to amplify it. If you are not able to have difficult and respectful conversations in your monogamous relationship, it is unlikely that you will suddenly be able to do this in any other relationship that you add to your relationship network.

If you are in a non-monogamous relationship and considering monogamy, how you address and manage this mismatch will flow into your relationship. Removing non-monogamy from the equation doesn’t mean that deeper issues will be resolved; instead, they are likely to reappear in other areas, particularly if there are unhealthy sacrifices or compromises made in the process of changing the relationship structure.

Reflecting on your current communication and conflict resolution skills can help you to identify areas of improvement. And it can help you determine the areas of your relationship that may need particular attention before or while making any significant changes to it.

Questions to consider:

How do you communicate with your partner(s)? Are you able to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and honestly? Do you listen to their point of view with an open mind?
How do you handle conflict in your relationship(s)? Do you tend to avoid conflict, or do you try to resolve it? Are you able to stay calm and respectful during disagreements?
What are some specific examples of times when you have effectively communicated or resolved conflict with your partner(s)? What are some specific examples of times when you have had difficulty communicating or resolving conflict with your partner(s)?
What are your areas for improvement in communication and conflict resolution? Are there specific things that you can do to make improvements in these areas? Can you learn healthy communication through therapy or workshops, read a book on conflict resolution, or practice active listening with your partner(s)?

6. Know what your options are if you can't agree.

If you and your partner(s) have considered all the questions outlined above and still feel unsure about whether or not to move towards or away from non-monogamy, there are a few options on what to do next:

Seek external support.

Seeing a relationship therapist (who is welcoming of all relationship structures) can help create and facilitate a space for you and your partner(s) to discuss and navigate your different wants and needs and to ascertain whether the relationship is still right for you and your partner(s). It can help you know how to work best together in unpacking the structure that you and your partner(s) want and need. It is important to note that relationship therapy usually still requires that each person in the relationship does their own individual therapy; this individual work and space for self-reflection can be helpful in ascertaining whether non-monogamy or monogamy is right for you as an individual as much as it is for your relationship. Having non-judgemental and understanding people in your life will also be invaluable during challenging times, so it is important to know who you can turn to and be open with for non-judgemental support and acceptance, such as friends or particular communities.

2. “Monogamy for me, non-monogamy for you”.

Is it possible to be a monogamous person in a relationship with a non-monogamous person? Yes! Monocorns are people who consider themselves to be monogamous and are also comfortable (or working towards becoming comfortable) with being in a relationship with a non-monogamous person. But it is up to each person to decide if being a monocorn is for them, and it still requires a high degree of openness, honesty, and communication.

3. Know what healthy compromising or sacrificing would look like.

Compromising is when you and your partner(s) make mutual concessions for a shared goal, and it usually involves regular check-ins and adjustments. Sacrificing is when only one of you is giving up something for the other person or for the relationship.

There are some things in a relationship that may require a compromise (e.g., how things get done), may need to be sacrificed (e.g., where you live), or cannot be compromised on or sacrificed at all (e.g., your safety or your consent). Sacrifices aren’t inherently healthy or unhealthy. Neither are compromises. What determines whether a sacrifice or compromise is right or wrong for you and your relationship(s) is dependent on a number of factors, and you might want to first consider the following questions:

What would it mean to sacrifice the relationship structure that you want in order to continue a relationship with your partner?
Is there a pattern of you sacrificing or compromising your own needs for others?
What would be gained and what would be lost from sacrificing or from compromising?
Would the sacrifice or compromise be about protecting yourself and/or your partner(s) from uncomfortable feelings or truths?
Are you likely to feel resentment toward your partner(s) for a decision that you have chosen to make? What might this tell you about that decision?

7. Decide if and when it's time to walk away.

It’s okay if moving towards non-monogamy or away from non-monogamy isn’t right for you or your partner(s), now or ever. Just like non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, monogamy isn’t the relationship structure that everyone might want or need. But it’s important to know if an incompatibility around the type of relationship structure that you need can be dealt with, either now or in the future.

Some incompatibilities can be worked through if the differences are clearly understood and openly discussed and can be celebrated, and if they don’t negatively impact on what you share in common and your non-negotiables. However, some incompatibilities cannot be resolved, especially if they are about a difference in values, goals, and needs. Or if it requires someone needing to change an important part of themselves or their lives that they don’t want to change.

When incompatibilities cannot be worked through, this might mean needing to make the decision to end the relationship. Understandably, there may be many reasons why you might struggle with ending a relationship despite knowing that a significant incompatibility will not change. It can be particularly difficult to end a relationship if there is compassion and understanding about the differences and if there are a lot of positives in other areas of the relationship. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist who can help you explore your feelings and options around ending the relationship.

It might be easy to place all blame on a relationship ending on your partner(s) wanting non-monogamy or monogamy and labelling this as a form of selfishness. However, this just simplifies the complexities of wants and needs and desires, and it can inadvertently add to monopride/polyphobia or polypride/monophobia. Instead, it might be more helpful for you in the long-term to view the relationship ending as a reflection of you and your partner(s) honouring and valuing yourselves.

While being open and honest with yourself and others can sometimes lead to making the difficult decision to change or end a relationship, it is never a bad thing to be your true and authentic self, especially if it is done with respect, compassion, and kindness. It is important to remember that the success of a relationship is not dependent on its longevity, but on the growth and learning that occurs within it and at its end.

Questions to consider:

Is a mismatch in the type of relationship structure that you want something that you and your partner(s) can resolve without compromising or sacrificing on your non-negotiables?
How would/is the incompatibility affecting other areas of your relationship?
How would/is the incompatibility affecting your mental and physical health?
Do you and your partner(s) share the same values and goals for the future? Are you compatible in terms of your lifestyle, interests, and other needs? Do you see a future with your partner(s)?
If you decide to stay in the relationship despite the incompatibility, is this due to a hope that your partner(s) will eventually change their mind(s)? Is this healthy and realistic for you and your partner(s)?
If you decide to stay in the relationship despite the incompatibility, are you willing and able to put in the work towards healthy acceptance?

Final thoughts

People are complex, and so are relationships. Being in a non-monogamous relationship has its benefits and challenges, as does being in a monogamous relationship. And not wanting non-monogamy is just as valid as not wanting monogamy.

There is no easy answer when it comes to deciding on the relationship structure that is right for you and your partner(s). However, by being open and honest with yourself and others, you can better understand yourself and your options and make a decision that is in line with your values and goals. The more you learn about yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship(s), the better equipped you will be to create a relationship with yourself and with others that is authentic, genuine, healthy and fulfilling.

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.