What is a schema?

A broad pervasive theme or pattern.
Comprised of memories, emotions cognitions and bodily sensations.
Regarding oneself and one's relationship with others.
Developed during childhood and adolescence.
Elaborated through one's lifetime.
They cause distress to some degree.

(Young, 1990)

We all have basic human needs such as:

Secure attachments
Autonomy
A sense of competence
Sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
The ability control our behaviour

When these needs are not met (based on the person or the child) there is a somatic, cognitive, emotional, and behavioural response - this is the formation of the schema. This schema then influences how we perceive and interpret future events.

Understanding our schemas helps us to understand patterns in the way the we think, feel, and behave, particularly in relation to ourselves, others and how we think about the world. Our schemas also influence how we function in relationships and how we have sex.

Unrelenting Standard Schema

Unrelenting Standards Schema involves “the underlying belief that one must strive to meet very high internalised standards of behaviour and performance, usually to avoid criticism. Typically results in feelings of pressure or difficulty slowing down; and in hypercriticalness towards oneself and others. Must involve significant impairment in: pleasure, relaxation, health, self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, or satisfying relationships. Unrelenting standards typically present as: (a) perfectionism, inordinate attention to detail, or an underestimate of how good one's own performance is relative to the norm; (b) rigid rules and “shoulds” in many areas of life, including unrealistically high moral, ethical, cultural, or religious precepts; or (c) preoccupation with time and efficiency, so that more can be accomplished” (Young, 1990).

Signs you have an unrelenting standards schema:

You set high standards for yourself with regard to your work/study performance, appearance, success and productivity
You have been called a perfectionist
You have difficulty slowing down
You are intensely critical of yourself (and sometimes others) when you or they do not meet your standards
You avoid activity that you think you will not perform well
You do not prioritise activities that are just pleasurable or fun
You are preoccupied with efficiency

What this means for relationships

You have specific expectations about other people should behave in a relationships
When other people do not meet your expectations you get angry
You compare yourself to their successes
You have specific ideas about what relationship success means
You avoid relationships and prioritise work/study

Sex looks like:

You are too focused on achieving in other areas of life to enjoy sex
You are hypercritical of your appearance that you have trouble being in the moment and enjoying sex
You think that your partner needs to desire you all the time and only be attracted to you

Self-sacrificing Schema

Abandonment Schema

Defectiveness Schema

Entitlement Schema

Social Isolation Schema

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.