What is a schema?

A broad pervasive theme or pattern.
Comprised of memories, emotions cognitions and bodily sensations.
Regarding oneself and one's relationship with others.
Developed during childhood and adolescence.
Elaborated through one's lifetime.
They cause distress to some degree.

(Young, 1990)

We all have basic human needs such as:

Secure attachments
Autonomy
A sense of competence
Sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
The ability control our behaviour

When these needs are not met (based on the person or the child) there is a somatic, cognitive, emotional, and behavioural response - this is the formation of the schema. This schema then influences how we perceive and interpret future events.

Understanding our schemas helps us to understand patterns in the way the we think, feel, and behave, particularly in relation to ourselves, others and how we think about the world. Our schemas also influence how we function in relationships and how we have sex.

Abandonment Schema

Abandonment Schema involves “The perceived instability or unreliability of those available for support and connection. Involves the sense that significant others will not be able to continue providing emotional support, connection, strength, or practical protection because they are emotionally unstable and unpredictable (e.g., angry outbursts), unreliable, or erratically present; because they will die imminently; or because they will abandon the patient in favour of someone better” Young (1990).

Signs you have an abandonment schema:

You worry that someone will leave the relationship, leave you in favour of someone better, or die
You are hyper attuned to signs that someone might leave you or the relationship eg., worrying the relationship is over if someone does not respond to a text
You are hyper attuned to the changes in other people’s behaviour that might indicate their feelings have changed about you eg., they are tired and you think this means they have lost interest
You are hyper attuned to changes in the amount of time or communication someone gives you eg., they are busy with work and you assume this means they are going to leave
You have intense feelings of fear attached to these changes

What does this mean for relationships:

You try to prevent others from leaving by communicating excessively, ignoring your boundaries or focusing completely on their needs
You get angry and accuse them of losing interest/trying to leave you
You avoid relationships altogether
Being alone is painful - you try to numb this feeling eg., drinking
You are attached to people who are unreliable/unavailable

Sex can be used for:

Seeking close connection
Building connection quickly
Repairing relationship structures
Emotional coping
To avoid loneliness

You might:

Self objectify
Disconnection from your needs to please others
‘Perform’ sex the way you think others would desire

Self-sacrificing Schema

Unrelenting Standards Schema

Defectiveness Schema

Entitlement Schema

Social Isolation Schema

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.