How to strengthen your relationship using 'check-ins'

Relationship check-ins are intentional conversations with partners aimed at strengthening the relationship bond through building more opportunities for openness and honesty. There are many different ways a check-in can look, but they generally provide a structured space for you and your partner(s) to discuss feelings and thoughts and raise any concerns or challenges about the relationship.

Why are relationship check-ins important?

Preventing small issues from becoming big problems.

Life can bring up unexpected challenges and stress that can lead to us having new or changed needs. Regular check-ins allow you to address difficulties and needs early on, preventing them from snowballing into larger conflicts.

Knowing and understanding evolving needs.

Lives change, priorities shift, and what makes you and your partner(s) feel content and fulfilled today might not be the same tomorrow. Regular check-ins allow you to understand your own needs and the needs of your partner(s).

Deepening intimacy and trust.

Talking openly and honestly about thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities builds trust and strengthens your emotional bond. Regular check-ins create a safe space for connection, fostering closeness and intimacy that goes beyond the daily routine.

Maintaining alignment on goals and values.

Regular check-ins allow you to discuss your individual and shared aspirations. This ensures that you're still on the same path and heading towards the future that you and your partner(s) envision. Or, if goals have changed for you or your partner(s), it creates an opportunity to learn about them and realign, recalibrate, and reassess.

Boosting communication skills and conflict resolution.

Regular check-ins create a habit of open and honest communication, making it easier to address challenges constructively. By practising active listening, empathy, and problem-solving within the safe space of a check-in, you build conflict resolution skills that benefit your relationship(s) in the long run.

How to ask for a relationship check-in

Choose the right moment

Pick a calm, relaxed time to ask your partner(s) if they are open to you raising the idea of regular check-ins. If it’s not the right time for them, ask when it might be the best time for them and discuss it then.

Frame it positively

Present regular check-ins as a chance to strengthen your connection and continue to learn from each other and the relationship.

Keep it low pressure

Let your partner(s) know that it's not about blame or “fixing” issues, but about listening and collaborating during an agreed upon scheduled moment and for a specific period of time.

Make it a collaborative process

Ask your partner(s) for their thoughts and ideas about regular check-ins and how they might want to structure and implement it.

Share resources about check-ins

Send your partner(s) this post and go through it together.

How to set up and do your relationship check-in

Decide on how frequently you would like the check-ins to be. Weekly check-ins can allow for small issues to be addressed as they come up, which can help prevent them from becoming bigger problems. Monthly check-ins can be helpful for reviewing the overall health of the relationship and the goals to focus on together. You can set a frequency first and then reassess as you go.
Choose a regular day and time that you and your partner(s) are most likely to be relaxed, present, and available.
Set a reminder. Or take turns reminding each other of the upcoming check-in. This helps demonstrate to yourself and your partner(s) that you value and see importance in the check-ins.
Be flexible with the day and time if unexpected things pop up. But reschedule the check-in as soon as possible.
Set a time limit. Usually 30 minutes is sufficient. If the check-in goes for longer, it might highlight a need to circle back to a particular issue another time.
Set clear intentions and expectations. Agree on ground rules to ensure a safe and respectful conversation. This could include active listening, avoiding judgement, and taking turns speaking.
Prepare questions or prompts. Having some structure can help guide the conversation. You might want to use questions from our template or consider other questions that would be important to ask each other about your relationship.
Remember to HALT when needed. If you or your partner(s) are feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired (H.A.L.T), or any other uncomfortable emotion, consider rescheduling the check-in to a time when you and/or they are feeling grounded and present.
Decide on how to finish each check-in. You might want to express gratitude and appreciation. Or you might want to summarise the key points and action items. Choose whatever way will help you finish feeling connected and hopeful.

Template for setting intentions and expectations

Below is a template for setting clear intentions and expectations at the commencement of each check-in. These allow for agreed ground rules to ensure a safe and respectful conversation. Make any amendments that feel right for you and your relationship(s).

At the start of each check-in, let’s take turns reading out the reminders below:

Speak honestly and openly. Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns in a genuine and respectful manner.
Be present and engaged. When listening to each other, stay very present and neutral. Simply listen and allow each person to express themselves fully without interruption.
Focus on your own experiences and feelings, rather than placing blame or making accusations.
If you are needing to communicate a hurt, consider using “I” statements, such as “I felt [emotion], when you [behaviour/action]” or “When [situation] happened, it made me feel [emotion]”.
Focus on understanding each other’s perceptions rather than the ‘facts’. Aim to understand the other’s reality and not to argue for your own reality.
Consider repeating and summarising what you hear. For example, “What I heard was X. Is this right?”

Templates for check-in questions and prompts

Below are four templates for four different types of check-ins. You and your partner(s) might consider starting with one type before adding more, and your selection might be based on what feels like a priority at the moment. You might want to use all the same questions from the templates or consider other questions that would be important to ask. Make any amendments that feel right for you and your relationship(s).

Template 1: questions and prompts for a weekly relationship check-In

Having some questions and prompts to structure the weekly check-in can help guide the conversation. Below is a template for questions and prompts which has been adapted from Santosha Village’s Journal for living a more fulfilling life.

Take turns asking each other the following questions:

“Is there anything that I’ve done in the last week that you were upset, frustrated, or annoyed by or is lingering for you?”
Follow up with “What can I do differently moving forward?”
Follow up with “Is there anything else that you need for this to feel resolved for you?”
“Is there anything that I’ve done in the last week that you really appreciated or that helped you feel connected and supported?”
Follow up with: “Is there anything that I could do more of or differently moving forward?”
Finish the check-in by choosing an activity or moment in the upcoming week for intentional connection: “What’s one thing that we can do this week / next week to connect?”

Template 2: questions and prompts for a monthly relationship check-in

Monthly check-ins can provide opportunities to explore themes within your relationship(s).

Below is a template for questions and prompts that you and your partner(s) might want to use.

1 . Take turns asking each other the list of questions below. Use the scale to respond.

1 (No) —---- 2 —---- 3 (Neutral) —---- 4 —---- 5 (Yes)

Do you feel supported and safe?
Do you feel valued and loved?
Does our relationship offer ample quality time together?
Does our relationship offer sufficient personal & independent time?
Do you feel that you can communicate your feelings to me?
Do you feel that your insecurities are accepted by me?
Do you feel satisfied with how we handle challenges and conflicts?

2. For any responses scored 1-4, ask “What’s one thing that I can focus on doing over the next month that could help bring the scale up for you?”

3. Finish the check-in by choosing an activity or moment in the upcoming week for intentional connection: “What’s one thing that we can do this week / next week to connect?”

Template 3: questions and prompts for a monthly sex and intimacy check-In

Monthly check-ins that focus on sex and intimacy within the relationship can provide an opportunity to explore general sexual satisfaction and areas of focus.

Below is a template for questions and prompts that you and your partner(s) might want to use. It encompasses four areas of discussion: ‘Favourites’, ‘Connection’, ‘More or Less’ and ‘Overall’.

Favourites

Take turns asking each other the following questions:

In the last month, what has been your favourite position?
In the last month, what has been your favourite type of foreplay?
In the last month, has there been anything that has turned you on the most?
What’s your favourite sex-related memory of us from the past month?

Connection

Take turns asking each other the following questions:

Is there anything non-sexual that I do outside of the bedroom that makes you feel loved and wanted?
Is there anything that I do that helps make you feel safe and comfortable during sex?
What are some ways that you have enjoyed connecting after we’ve had sex?

More or Less

Take turns asking each other the following questions:

What is something that you would like us to do more often?
Has there been anything that you haven’t enjoyed or haven’t wanted to do?
What is something that you would want me to do more or less during sex?
What is something that you’d like to try this month? (e.g., fantasies, positions, toys, locations, role plays, different types of stimulation, etc.)

Overall

1. Take turns asking each other the questions below. Use the scale to respond.

1 (No) —---- 2 —---- 3 (Neutral) —---- 4 —---- 5 (Yes)

Do you feel satisfied with our sex life?
Do you feel satisfied with our foreplay?
Do you feel satisfied with how often we’ve been sexually intimate?
Do you feel satisfied with the balance of being pursuer and being pursued?
Do you feel like your sexual needs are being met?
Have you felt comfortable letting me know when you haven’t been in the mood for sex?

2. For any responses scored 1-4, ask “What’s one thing that I can focus on doing over the next month that could help bring the scale up for you?”

3. Finish the check-in by choosing an activity or moment in the upcoming week for intentional connection: “What’s one thing that we can do this week / next week to connect?”

Template 4: questions and prompts for a pre-week check-in

Pre-week check-ins can allow for you and your partner(s) to be on the same page about the plan and goals for the upcoming week and outline any needs or wants to make the week manageable for everyone.

Below is a template for questions and prompts that you and your partner(s) might want to use.

Take turns asking each other the questions below:

Calendar: “What’s on for you this week?” (e.g., work, social, or family events)

Goals/focus: “What’s something that you need or want to get done this week?”

Follow up with: “Is there anything that I can do to help you make sure that it gets done?”

Stressors: “Is there anything that you are currently struggling with?”

Follow up with: “Is there anything that I can do to help you manage the stress of that?”

Relaxation: “Is there a particular night this week that you would like to reserve for relaxing?”

Follow up with: How would you like to relax? And is there something that I can do to help make that happen?”

Intentional Connection: “What’s one thing that we can do together over the next week to connect?”

The above templates show that check-ins can take many forms, but the common theme is that they offer a structured and safe way to discuss goals, concerns, and desires from a place of care and collaboration. If done well, this practice can offer rich opportunities to deepen and strengthen your relationship(s).