Fatphobia & Intimacy

This article will explore some difficulties that can arise when living in a larger body, including how fatphobia/ weight bias can impact your ability to connect intimately with others and yourself. While this article has been written intentionally from a strengths-based perspective, discussions around bodies and body image can be distressing for many of us, as it is often a deeply personal topic. If you feel this content may be overwhelming for you at this time, that’s okay. Feel free to revisit later when you feel it may be less activating for you. Please also note that this article may refer to some research that refers to gender through a cisnormative lens.

Connection and belonging are a fundamental human need. Living in a larger body is often challenging and painful to navigate, especially when it comes to connecting with others and ourselves. In our current social and cultural climate, discrimination and marginalisation against larger bodies is often normalised, which has meaningful impacts on mental and sexual health. In a world where we are repeatedly told our bodies are problematic or unworthy, my hope for this article is that the negative impacts of weight stigma itself are validated and acknowledged. I would also like to share with you how psychological healing and connection are possible for you, as you are.

What is Fatphobia?

Fat (n.) is a naturally occurring phenomenon, defined as “the substance under the skin of humans and animals that stores energy and keeps them warm”. Unfortunately, in our current social and cultural climate, the neutral word ‘fat’ has negative connotations and is associated with a slew of negative stereotypes. ‘Fatphobia’ - also known as ‘weight bias’ - describes “negative attitudes and stereotypes surrounding and attached to larger bodies”.

Fatphobic discrimination and victimisation have been shown to exist across life domains, with weight based discrimination occurring on several levels, including individual (microsocial) and broader structural (macrosocial) levels. For example, interpersonal/ social relationships have been found to be a significant source of fatphobia and weight discrimination. Also, weight bias has been associated with negative outcomes, like decreased opportunities in employment, income, education, housing and medical care.

Fatphobia and/ or weight bias might look like:

Friends using the word “fat” to negatively describe themselves or others (e.g., “I feel so fat today”, “Do I look fat in this?”)
Partner/s commenting on or attempting to control your weight (e.g., “Are you sure you want to eat that?”, “Maybe it’s time to get back to the gym”)
Discriminatory trends in dating app preferences (e.g., “No fats, No femmes”)
Health concerns being attributed to weight alone (e.g., going to your GP for symptoms unrelated to weight and weight loss being repeatedly suggested as primary treatment)
Larger bodies being represented as inherently undesirable in film and television (e.g., actors wearing fat suits comedically, the ‘fat funny friend’ stereotype)

Social attitudes

Fatphobia and weight bias against larger bodies isn't something we are born with - it is heavily dependent on the social and cultural contexts we live in. It has been well-documented that social attitudes towards bodies have shifted drastically over time, especially around what qualifies as the ‘ideal’ body. For example, until the early 1900s excess weight signified wealth, power and good health. It was only towards the end of the 19th century that living in a larger body was stigmatised for aesthetic reasons and then subsequently associated with health concerns later in the 20th century. This placed slenderness as the dominant sociocultural ideal of contemporary western society, specifically.

When it comes to current negative social attitudes, the significant contribution of media and public health campaigns have been highlighted in recent years by practitioners and researchers alike. Through these campaigns, discrimination against larger bodies has been normalised and justified due to widespread assumptions that there is a direct and unquestionable connection between weight and negative health outcomes. However, health status and body size may not be as directly correlated as has been previously presumed, with negative outcomes associated with weight being the consequence of stigma rather than body size. While we can acknowledge that this conversation is a complex one, it is paramount we begin to consider health holistically - this means considering our health as multi-faceted, including our biological, psychological and social wellbeing. The psychological impacts of weight-related discrimination and stigma are real, significant and worthy of our attention.

Impacts of fatphobia

Experiences of weight discrimination and stigma have been shown to impact:

Physical health. Associations have been found between weight discrimination/ stigma and chronic health concerns, including increases in cortisol, blood pressure and inflammation. Also, for those who seek care from a health specialist, weight stigma has been shown to result in poorer treatment and healthcare.

Mental health. Experiencing fatphobia is associated with low self esteem, depression, anxiety and body image concerns. There is also a significant risk of internalising weight bias which is “the degree to which one applies negative social or cultural beliefs about body weight onto themselves”. Internalised weight bias is associated with significant negative mental health outcomes, including psychological distress (including emotion dysregulation, rumination and dissociative experiences).

Social/Relational. Experiences of fatphobia can impact our relationship quality with family members, friends and romantic partners. Weight discrimination is associated with difficulties dating, such as experiencing discrimination on dating apps and microaggressions on dates. It is also associated with negative self esteem and body image concerns, which are both considered risk factors of relationship distress. Body image and relationship satisfaction have also been found to have a direct relationship - as body satisfaction decreases, so does relationship satisfaction. Unsurprisingly, experiences of fatphobia can also impact one’s sexual health, which is significant, given that sexual satisfaction is a key component to overall relationship satisfaction in many relationships.

Let’s take a look at the interplay between fatphobia and intimacy.

Sexual Anxiety

If you have had previous negative experiences with others in relation to your body, the idea of being intimate with another person can be particularly anxiety-inducing. For example, you may experience internalised weight bias in the form of negative self talk, which could also increase your anxiety in the lead up, during or following sexual encounters. As a result, you may avoid certain elements of physical intimacy that you would otherwise desire or enjoy (or you might avoid engaging in intimacy altogether!). While anxiety serves the valuable purpose of motivating us to protect ourselves when we appraise something as a threat (e.g., “fight/flight”), this can prove particularly difficult in situations where our body being perceived by another feels threatening.

Disembodiment

Embodiment is defined as, “The experience of the body as engaged in the world, being fully present with the experience of being in our body”. If being present in your own body also means being present with painful thoughts and feelings, this can compromise your ability to stay engaged and present during physical intimacy. This can result in feeling anywhere from disconnected to disassociated and/ or in distress. This can have particularly harmful impacts when it comes to sexual intimacy, as it may hinder your ability to give consent and communicate your needs.

Sexual self-concept

A sexual self-concept is our “self-perception as a sexual creature” and is considered a central component to our sexuality and sexual health. Psychological factors, like negative body image and body dissatisfaction, have been found to negatively impact sexual self-concept, including predicting decreases in sexual desire and arousal. This means that weight bias has the potential to disrupt sexual functioning at multiple points within the sexual response cycle. If you have experienced weight-related discrimination and, as a result, negatively evaluate your own body, this could compromise your ability to experience sexual desire, arousal and pleasure. Additionally, this could be a significant barrier to you better understanding and connecting to your sexual identity, including your own sexual preferences and needs.

Addressing fatphobia

When considering how to best address fatphobia and weight stigma, it’s important to equally acknowledge the impact and influence of broader social attitudes, as well as factors that are more within our immediate control.

Challenging the bias of others (self-advocacy)

Challenging the fatphobia/ weight bias of others is one strategy that can reduce exposure to - and consequently, the potential ongoing impact of - the discriminatory views of others. This might look like:

Working on your assertive communication skills e.g., assertively communicating when someone makes a weight-related joke at your expense or someone else’s.
Learning how to set boundaries e.g., setting boundaries around what weight-related conversations you are willing to engage in or be present for.
Familiarising yourself with inclusive alternatives. For those who find themselves experiencing unsolicited discriminatory views from partners, friends, family or even consulting health professionals regarding weight and their health status, the Health At Every Size (HAES) framework can be a more inclusive alternative. The HAES movement focuses on ‘weight-neutral’ ‘size inclusive’ approaches that challenge other weight-based approaches that prioritise reducing body size. The HAES framework prioritises supporting healthy behaviours for people of all weights, sizes and body types. The HAES approach results in improvements in physiological measures (e.g., blood pressure), health behaviours (e.g., eating and activity habits) and psychosocial outcomes (e.g., body image and self esteem).

Before advocating for yourself or someone else, it can be helpful to first check in and consider if you have the emotional and mental bandwidth. While advocacy can be an empowering and positive step for many, it also often requires extensive emotional labour. A gentle reminder: you are deserving of respect whether you decide to take the time to explain your position or not, and it is not your responsibility to educate others.

Challenging your own weight bias

Identifying and challenging your own internalised weight bias is another strategy that can be effective. This might look like:

Learning about and exploring the difference between ‘healthy ideals’ and ‘appearance ideals’. Appearance ideals are motivated by achieving the dominant ‘ideal’ body aesthetically, while healthy ideals focus on health holistically, with a focus on feeling good physically and mentally.
Learning to identify when you are engaging in negative self-talk related to weight bias and then reframing your thinking (e.g., self compassionate approaches can also be particularly helpful such as asking yourself, “what would I say to a friend right now?”).
If engaging in body positivity (e.g., celebrating your body) feels too difficult or unrealistic as a starting point, you may prefer to start with practicing body acceptance (e.g., applying acceptance and self-compassion approaches) and/ or even body neutrality (e.g., focus on existing in your body, reducing overall focus and importance). See Butterfly Foundation for more information.

Diversifying your media

Media literacy has been found to be an effective strategy for reducing the effect of media on body image. For example, by increasing your exposure to larger and/or more diverse body shapes and sizes, a kind of “recalibration” can occur where what we consider ‘normal’ can shift! This highlights the profound influence of media and the importance of intentional engagement. While we know that what we see on social media is often carefully curated, we still have the choice to engage in media that includes people and bodies that are diverse and better reflect our own. (See #bodykindonline for additional information and tips!)

Practicing embodiment

If you have learned over time to associate being in your body with discomfort and/ or distress, it may have resulted in you feeling disconnected from your own body. If this is the case, it may be important to intentionally reconnect to your body in a way that feels healthy and safe for you, so you can begin to build a more positive relationship. This might look like:

Beginning to prioritise engaging in mindful practice in your daily life (e.g., mindful walking, mindful eating) or intentionally and regularly engaging in grounding techniques to practice being connected to the present moment (e.g., Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Five Senses).
It may also look like engaging in activities you find meaningful that involve moving and being present in your own body. This could include taking a boxing class, joining a fundraiser walk, using your hands to build something, or even dancing in your kitchen to your favourite playlist.
In the context of intimacy specifically, you may find it easier to begin to engage in intentional embodied activities alone as a first step before involving another person if you feel particularly disconnected. For example, engaging in mindful touch activities like Solo Sensate.

Seeking help

I hope this article has provided you permission to see weight stigma/ fatphobia and its impact on your life as real, valid and significant. If you have spent time living in a larger body, you may have some distrust when it comes to seeking support from health professionals (psychologists included!). However, if you noticed yourself relating to this article, it may be helpful to consider seeking additional psychological support. To find support that may suit your needs, I have included a link below to the HAES ‘find a provider’ list. The psychologists at SHIPS are also trained and guided by core values to provide safe and inclusive care.

Fatphobia and weight bias are features of our current time, place and culture, and these factors are beyond the control of any one individual. It is therefore important to address fatphobia in a way that considers it as both a broader social issue and one that each of us can still also work to address and minimise in our own lives. When difficulties arise (biological, psychological or social) for those of us living in larger bodies, blame is often placed on the body itself, which perpetuates discriminatory and stigmatised ideas about living in larger bodies. It is vitally important that we begin to acknowledge the harm that discriminatory attitudes cause.

Being in a larger body does not exempt you from also being worthy of safety, health, pleasure, connection and belonging. I hope this article encourages you to consider the ways that fatphobia may have influenced your relationship to your body and gives you permission to take steps to begin to heal and reconnect with yourself, as you are.

Further Resources

HAES “find a provider” list.

ABC News Article - What does fat shaming and weight discrimination do to your health?

The Hook Up (Podcast) - “Dating in a bigger body”

Butterfly Foundation (Podcast) – “Let’s Talk” Podcast - What is fatphobia (and why should you care)?