If someone you loved said they were thinking about killing themselves, would you know how to respond and support them?

Being prepared emotionally and practically can support your mental wellbeing and make you better equipped to assist your loved one.

Before the COVID-19 pandemic, some of us may have been carers, partners, or friends with a loved one who was already struggling with their mental health, including thoughts of killing or harming themselves. Unfortunately, a global pandemic is a risk factor for increased suicide rates, which means more people are thinking about killing themselves and need support.

In response, this article is written for you, and for the hardship you might be experiencing caring for, or being worried about, a loved one who is not doing so well. I hope you can get some general information here and some resources to help you read the signs and know what actions to take if this becomes a reality in your life.

Before we jump into this very sensitive topic, it is important to remember:

Looking after yourself is the first priority – if you are not ok, then you can’t support anyone else! It is important you seek out your own mental health support.
You are never responsible for another person’s actions – even though support can make a big difference, ultimately, your loved one’s actions are out of your control and are not your responsibility.
Professional support is vital – being prepared yourself does not replace the necessity of professional support for your loved one.

How to talk about suicide

One of the most difficult things about being suicidal, is feeling alone with distressing thoughts and emotions. Even though suicide can be scary to talk about if we’re not used to it, asking questions and listening to your loved one so they can speak their thoughts out loud, is one of the most helpful things you can do.

It’s important to be informed, so you know what questions to ask. This will give you a sense of structure when talking about suicide with a loved one so that you can also take the time to really listen to where they are at and connect with them, whilst also monitoring for signs of risk and knowing when to take action.

Make sure you:

Don’t jump into helper mode straight away (even though this will be your impulse)
Give them time to talk so they feel listened to
Stay calm (e.g., use slow breathing so you can stay in the present moment with them)
Talk to them in a calm and reassuring tone
Validate their feelings and show your support
Let them know there are mental health professionals and treatments that they can access to help them feel better

Warning signs - Prevention starts here
Sometimes, people who are thinking about suicide won’t always talk about it. That’s why it’s important to be aware if they are showing any or a combination of warning signs that they are suicidal.

Warning signs can look like (but are specific and different for every person):

Talking about death and dying
Saying they feel like a burden to others
Saying they can’t take this anymore
Hopelessness and low mood
Withdrawing socially
Quitting things that were previously important to them
Putting affairs in order, such as giving away meaningful possessions, paying off debts to friends, giving their pet to someone else to look after
Uncharacteristic risk taking
Escalation in drug and/or alcohol use

Visit this website for a larger list of behavioural, verbal, physical, and emotional warning signs to look out for. It’s also really helpful to learn about safety plans and create one together with your loved one to help keep them safe.

Safety plan
A safety plan is like a first aid kit for mental health. It’s on hand in case your loved one is feeling really low or overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts. A safety plan is like having a series of safety nets. If the first one doesn’t quite work, you then use the second one, and so on.

Safety plans are usually made up of the following:

A list of warning signs so you and your loved one know when things might start to escalate
A list of strategies to help calm and self-soothe so you can keep yourself safe
A list of reasons for living (sometimes these can be difficult to remember when you are feeling suicidal)
A list of trusted people to reach out to
A list of professional services, including emergency and crisis numbers, including 000. It’s also important to find and write down the number for your local Crisis and Assessment Team (CATT) team, as these change from suburb to suburb.

Beyond Blue have a clear and concise structure for a safety plan. You can find it online here, or even better, download the app here to keep it on hand, and go through it step by step with your loved one.

When to Act

When you are asking your loved one about suicide, even though some of the things they say can be shocking to hear, try to just listen at first. Your ability to stay present and calm with them will help them feel safe to keep talking to you and they may experience relief at being able to confide in you. It can help you to assess the risk of their suicidal thoughts by checking how much a person has thought through them.

Ask if they have a:

Plan (location, time, how they have planned to suicide)
Intent (if they have decided they want to suicide)
Time-frame (e.g., today, within the next 2 weeks)
Means (what they have planned to use to suicide and if they already have access to it/have it in their possession)

If they have any, or a combination of these, this is when to seek immediate help. Call the crisis numbers at the end of the safety plan, such as the CATT team, or 000. This goes the same for self-harm, which can also lead to unintentional death.

More generally, suicide is something we need to talk about mindfully. Here’s a great resource for talking safely about suicide online, and here’s a link to why the way media report suicide is so important.

Looking after yourself
Looking after yourself goes hand-in-hand with looking after someone who is suicidal. The more topped up you are, the more you have to give. The stress of being a carer can put you at risk of developing a mental health condition yourself. This Beyond Blue page has some helpful points and resources for looking after you ☺

Training
If you would like training in suicide first aid, I highly recommend the Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST), which is a 2-day interactive course. There are a few different providers who offer this training.

Helplines
Have these helplines handy. It can be supportive to stay with someone when they make their first call to a helpline.

Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467
The Suicide Call Back Service provides immediate support to anyone who is feeling suicidal. They can also provide ongoing support for up to 6 x 50-minute telephone counselling sessions. The Suicide Call Back Service also offers online counselling.

SuicideLine - 1300 651 251
Victoria based

Lifeline Australia - 13 11 14
24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can also chat online with the Lifeline support service every day from 7:00 PM until midnight (AEDST).

Beyond Blue - 1300 224 636
24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can also chat online with the beyondblue support service every day from 3:00 PM until 12:00 AM (AEDST).