Part 2: How to Start A Non-Monogamous Relationship
This article is written from the perspective of a psychologist working with clients who are exploring and practising non-monogamy. We would like to acknowledge that everyone’s experience and perspective is different and valuable, and we would like to promote the experiences and perspectives of people with lived experience. If you would like to give us any feedback regarding the content of this article or would like to share any of your experiences, we would love to hear it. Just click on the Contact Us button at the end of this article.
DISCLAIMER: Since this article was written, discourse on non-monogamy has progressed and there is better awareness of the power of language on how non-monogamy is viewed. The use of the words ethical and/or consensual when discussing non-monogamy “may subtly reinforce harmful stereotypes and negative moral judgements about [non-monogamy]” (Ansara, 2020). Both non-monogamy and monogamy can be ethical and unethical. Therefore, the qualifiers ethical and consensual have been removed from this updated version of the article.
Image by Anfisa Eremina @er.anfisa.
It is important to let go of any expected outcomes when expressing your feelings and needs. You cannot control anyone’s thoughts, feelings, responses, or actions, including those of your partner’s. All you can do is tell someone how you feel and then let them decide how they want to proceed. And similarly, you have a choice on what you do next.
When trying to figure out their boundaries, one of the most common questions our clients ask is, “Where is this fear/anxiety/jealousy coming from? Is it my stuff? Or is it an indication that my boundary is being crossed?” Understanding your own history and triggers is critical to understanding your own boundaries and needs in a relationship; this is where self-reflection and therapy are helpful. I dive into this a little deeper in Part 3: How to Maintain a Non-Monogamous Relationship.
Have you had that first conversation with your partner about exploring non-monogamy? Are you now unsure of where to next?
As we’ve discussed before, if it is right for you and your partner, non-monogamy can be a liberating new chapter in a relationship. It can allow for the exploration of new parts of ourselves and bring about new levels of trust and intimacy in a relationship. If you’ve had an open and honest conversation with your partner about exploring non-monogamy, and you’re both wanting to take the next step, here are some things that you might want to first take into consideration to allow for your first experiences of non-monogamy to be positive and rewarding.
1. Pace yourself
It might be tempting to jump straight into practising non-monogamy as soon as you have received an enthusiastic “yes” from your partner. Or there might be a belief that the only “right way” to do non-monogamy is to start doing all of the potentially confronting things first.
I like to let my clients know that experimenting with non-monogamy in a slow and measured way can give them the time and space to process new experiences and the emotions that come up (such as discomfort, excitement, nervousness, etc). Ways that you could gradually start exploring non-monogamy might include watching ethical pornography together, flirting with others in front of each other, or signing up for dating apps together. You can then discuss any and all feelings that arise and then review your expectations about non-monogamy and each other.
Similar to when hiking in groups, with non-monogamy, always aim to only go as fast as the slowest person. This means being mindful of where others are at in their non-monogamy journey and matching them at their pace, especially if you are (metaphorically) many steps ahead.
2. Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all
Just like monogamous pairings can look different from relationship to relationship, so can non-monogamous ones. There are many things that you may not have considered about non-monogamy due to the lack of realistic representations of non-monogamous relationships in our society and culture. And there are many implicit and socially constructed unhelpful rules about relationships that may require unlearning, whether you’re in a non-monogamous or monogamous relationship.
RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH!
Research the different types and parts of non-monogamy and discuss which of these seem most appealing to you and your relationship. You might want to start by visiting our Glossary of Relationship Structures to see some of the most common words, terms, acronyms, abbreviations, and definitions used within the sex-positive community to describe various relationship structures. As said by sex writer, director, actress and author, Gracie X, non-monogamy is like learning a new language, and just like learning a new language, you wouldn’t expect to speak fluently after just a few lessons!
FIND A SUPPORT NETWORK
Connecting with other non-monogamous people (without the expectation of sex or a relationship) can allow you to learn more about the different ways that non-monogamy can look in other relationships and about how others have managed difficult or unexpected moments. See the Non-Monogamy Friendly Spaces section at the end of this article for ideas on how to potentially find a non-monogamy community that you could be a part of.
Having non-judgemental and understanding people in your lives as you navigate non-monogamy will be invaluable. This also means that you and your partner will need to agree on how open you will both be about your non-monogamous relationship with the people currently in your lives. Knowing who you can each turn to for non-judgemental support during challenging times will be crucial. You might also want to consider seeing a relationship therapist (who is welcoming of all relationship structures) to help create and facilitate a space for the two of you to discuss and navigate your steps into and experiences with non-monogamy.
3. Know your boundaries and expectations and let them be known
As you will each have your own ideas, desires, and needs, your expectations about non-monogamy might differ in parts to those of your partner. Discussion aids, such as the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord and the Non-Escalator Menu, can be helpful to start off exploring and defining precisely what you both want and don’t want included in your relationship. Having a shared language about wants and needs can then allow for expectations to be agreed upon.
When sharing your boundaries and expectations, focus on your own feelings and needs. This can help avoid a dynamic of blame or defensiveness. You might consider using the guide below during these conversations:
I felt / I feel / I might feel...[emotion]...
when you / when we...[the specific behaviour, just the facts]...
because...[how the behaviour has been interpreted by you].
What I wanted or needed / what I want or need / what I might want or need from you is...[specific action / behaviour].
What do you think? / How do you feel about that? / What would you suggest?
EXAMPLE: I might feel upset if you’re messaging a new person while we’re spending quality time together, because it brings up beliefs that I am not important. What I think that I will need is for us to agree to make sure that we are present with each other and not messaging other people when we’re on a date night. What do you think?
4. Actively listen to your partner’s wants and needs
Being non-judgmental, kind, and supportive of your partner is crucial in creating a safe space conducive to productive conversations. It is important that you are able to actively listen to and understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings as this will help you really understand (or really want to understand) what they need. Active listening means focusing on what the other person is saying because you want to understand and not just because you’re waiting to know when it’s your turn to respond.
You demonstrate active listening by (a) showing through verbal and non-verbal communication that you are interested in what your partner has to say, (b) allowing them to say what they need to say, and (c) ensuring that you have understood them clearly by summarising or paraphrasing what they have said. We also demonstrate active listening by expressing compassion and understanding for what has been shared, and this, in turn, creates safety during difficult conversations (e.g., “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way and have these needs because of [their previous experience/their interpretation]…”)
5. Have expectations, not rules
Any healthy, supportive, and equal relationship, whether monogamous or non-monogamous, involves making decisions together in a collaborative and considerate manner. These decisions are about setting up expectations of each other and not about setting up rules. Just like our desires and preferences can change and evolve over time, so can our expectations. This means that it’s okay if what you and your partner want and don’t want changes throughout the relationship journey. There are likely to be many emotional and physical boundaries that either one of you may not have been aware of or considered. What’s important is that you create regular, scheduled time and space to check-in with each other, review expectations and boundaries, and make any agreed upon changes where necessary.
Love, like humans, is complex and multifaceted. While psychotherapist, Jorge Bucay, might not have been specifically referring to non-monogamous relationships, I find these (paraphrased and translated) quotes from him to be quite fitting to the idea of having expectations and not rules in your relationships:
6. Remember that you are on the same team
I encourage my clients to remember, during difficult conversations, that they are on the same team. This doesn’t mean not expressing what you each individually want. It means understanding each other’s individual perspectives and then working towards the best decision for the relationship. Conversations are more likely to be successful if it is clear that both of you are holding interest in the relationship as well as holding space to discuss and hear each of your needs. What works for the relationship might look different to what would work for you as an individual. It is up to both of you to know what you are willing to compromise on without resentment or judgement.
7. Agree on what cheating means in your relationship(s)
Being in a non-monogamous relationship does not make one immune from pain and hurt. Emotional, romantic, or sexual connections that occur outside of the agreed-upon boundaries of a relationship might be considered by some to be a simple “boundary slip”, while for others it is seen as a form of cheating. And this can occur in both non-monogamous and monogamous relationships. Sometimes these boundaries are crossed unintentionally, especially if there are assumptions about what constitutes cheating or how firm these boundaries are. Agreeing on a definition of cheating within your relationship(s) can help mitigate potential misunderstandings
Self-reflect & reflect together
Throughout your ENM journey, continuously be honest about your reasons for wanting an ENM relationship. Is ENM still about exploration of self and others, or is ENM potentially being used as an escape from or a solution to a problem within the initial relationship? ENM is not a bandaid and will not eliminate current relationship difficulties but, rather, may highlight them. Therefore, frequent relationship health checks are important. Just like a routine dentist appointment, find time to regularly reflect on the health status of your relationship, especially during times where there may be change (i.e., a new relationship, changing the label of your relationship, etc). Continuously ask yourself whether your relationship is currently healthy and stable and able to withstand the knowns and unknowns of ENM. You might want to consider Psychology Today’s article on the ten signs of a healthy relationship to help you determine if there’s any tuning up that is needed first.
8. Be mindful of New Relationship Energy
New Relationship Energy (NRE) was first coined in the 1980s by relationship coach, Zhahai Stewart. It refers to the flood of intense positive feelings (i.e., joy, love, thrill, excitement) that are commonly experienced at the beginning of a new relationship and that will eventually, through time, fade. Other people might refer to it as “the honeymoon phase”, and it is common in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. Although NRE is normal to experience and can be quite energising and exciting, it can, sometimes, lead to people ignoring or neglecting their other relationships with partner(s), friends, or family. It can also result in making decisions and assumptions that are unhelpful in the long-term. Acknowledging that NRE (and the mistakes that can come with it) will be present and, knowing how to keep connected with each other throughout the experience, will allow for realistic and healthy expectations of NRE within your non-monogamous relationship.
9. Self-reflect & reflect together
Throughout your non-monogamous journey, continuously be honest about your reasons for wanting a non-monogamous relationship. Is non-monogamy still about exploration of self and others, or is non-monogamy potentially being used as an escape from or a solution to a problem within the initial relationship? Non-monogamy is not a bandaid and will not eliminate current relationship difficulties but, rather, may highlight them. Therefore, frequent relationship health checks are important. Just like a routine dentist appointment, find time to regularly reflect on the health status of your relationship, especially during times where there may be change (i.e., a new relationship, changing the label of your relationship, etc). Continuously ask yourself whether your relationship is currently healthy and stable and able to withstand the knowns and unknowns of non-monogamy. You might want to consider Psychology Today’s article on the ten signs of a healthy relationship to help you determine if there’s any tuning up that is needed first.
Final thoughts…
I would like to normalise that your first experiences of non-monogamy are likely to be difficult, awkward, or uncomfortable, especially as you unlearn those unhelpful social constructs about relationships. Showing kindness to yourself and your partner(s) centres around being realistic about the ups and downs that are likely to be experienced. Just remember that experiences have the most potential of being positive and enjoyable for all, either in the moment or retrospectively, when there is open and honest communication throughout.
I would also like to emphasise that it’s okay if non-monogamy isn’t right for you or your partner, now or ever. Just like monogamy isn’t for everyone, non-monogamy isn’t the relationship structure that everyone might want or need. There are many reasons that someone might decide not to be in a non-monogamous relationship; it might be based on their current needs, their current stage of therapy journey or life, or simply their personal preference. And that’s okay.
Once you have taken the leap and started non-monogamy, there can be many complex emotional hurdles involved in maintaining a happy and healthy non-monogamous relationship, such as navigating anxieties, insecurities, and jealousy.
Until then, as Brene Brown would say, may you be awkward, brave, and kind.
Check out Part 3: How to Maintain a Non-Monogamous Relationship to learn about the other key factors that need to be considered when in a non-monogamous relationship.
RESOURCES
Related SHIPS Resources
Part 1: How to Start Talking to Your Partner About Non-Monogamy
Part 3: How to Maintain a Non-Monogamous Relationship
Glossary of Relationship Structures
The Ethics and Ways of Telling Someone That You’re Non-Monogamous
Books
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Janet W Hardy.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Television
You Can’t Ask That, Series 1, Episode 5, “Polyamorous’
You Can’t Ask That, Series 3, Episode 5, “Swingers”
Workshops
This pre-recorded workshop offered by Curious Creatures is “for people seeking the tools for more successful non-monogamous relationships and also for people starting out, that want to know more about where they sit on a spectrum of monogamous to not-at-all-monogamous. It makes no assumptions that any type of relationship is right for all people.”
Groups
This is a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to “creating spaces for male-identifying folk to talk about their stuff”. They hold weekly men’s circles for men in non-monogamous relationships to share and discuss the challenges and rewards of their relationships and their mental health journey.
Non-Monogamy Friendly Spaces
Below are details of a few current non-monogamy-friendly spaces. While these recommendations have been made following suggestions from the non-monogamy community, it is suggested that you research these further before determining if they are right for you and your relationship(s).
It is also important to keep in mind that some play parties or sex-on-premises venues (not necessarily the ones listed below) may, at times, be more heteronormative or have participants with differing demographics to you (i.e., age, gender, etc). Some play party organisers may require individuals to attend a workshop or discussion on consent and communication before being permitted to attend a play party, and they may also require (or strongly encourage) people to attend a post-party session to allow for debriefing and community connection.
Curious Creatures runs a three-part ‘sexuality event’ called Curiosity. It consists of a workshop (on consent, communication, sex-positivity, and learning more about yourself), followed by a play party, and then a post-party session the following day (for debriefing, integration, and community-building).
Between Friends Wine Bar is a venue that has a main wine bar area, a dressing room, play spaces and bathrooms. “It’s a sophisticated venue to meet up with old friends. It’s a safe and exciting place to meet up with people you have met online. It’s also a welcoming environment to come and meet new people. You can just chat and watch, you can play with your partner, or you can play with others. The choice is entirely yours.”
Wet on Wellington is a pool and sauna centre that also contains a bar and cafe and various different private and open play areas. A number of events run by various groups are held at Wet on Wellington.
Feeld is a “dating app for couples and singles…enabling pairs to explore dating together”. It is considered by many to be an inclusive online dating space; “Feeld allows you to choose from 20+ sexualities and gender identities, pair profiles with a partner and create group chats.”
At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with people who are practising or interested in practising non-monogamy. If you may benefit from some support on this topic, please check out our website resources or contact us.
We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience, or feel we may have missed something on the topic of non-monogamy, please contact us to let us know.
AUTHOR
Javiera Dastres
Senior Psychologist
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