First up - If you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI) you are not alone, it’s not your fault, and it’s not the end of your sex life. Having said that, we see lots of people who struggle with how they feel about an STI diagnosis. Receiving the news of an STI diagnosis can be traumatic and it can lead people to rethink their identity and how they approach relationships.

Most of this is due to social stigma - and we are here to kick that to the curb! We want to arm you with information that might be helpful when preparing for and having a conversation about your STI status, or telling someone - maybe even someone who really like/desire/love - that you have an STI for the first time.

The ‘what’ and ‘how’ of Sexually Transmissible Infections (STI)

If you’re a sexually active person, you could get a sexually transmissible infection (STI) even if you’re practicing safe sex most of the time. STIs are infections or viruses that can be transmitted through sexual activity, including penetrative vaginal & anal, or oral sex. In Australia, there are many types of STIs including chlamydia, gonorrhoea, genital herpes or herpes simplex virus (HSV), syphilis, human papillomavirus (HPV), and human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). Many STIs don’t have obvious symptoms so it’s not uncommon that you can become infected without knowing it. This sounds scary, but don’t worry - the good news is many are treatable and some are even curable!

In Australia about 16% of the population has reported contracting an STI at some point in their lives - that’s about 4 million people, with the highest rates being in people aged between 18 to 29. So if you have been told you have an STI, you’re not alone!

Stigma is the worst part…

Often one of the most difficult parts of contracting an STI is confronting the social stigma surrounding it. Stigma occurs when someone’s STI status is associated with poor character or morality. Some of this stigma originated from fear-based HIV media campaigns in the 1980s, fear-based sex education and misinformation/lack of information available. Often, it’s the stigmatising beliefs that have the greatest impact on our health, not the STI itself, because these beliefs can contribute to or trigger mood disorders and/or and leave people feeling alone and isolated.

Research suggests that if you have been diagnosed with an STI you are at higher risk of developing psychological challenges such as depression and anxiety, stress, shame, and low self-esteem. After being diagnosed with an STI, people are also more likely to isolate themselves, experience social and sexual anxiety, fear rejection from current and'/or future romantic and sexual relationships, and drink alcohol and use drugs more often.

When thinking about your own diagnosis, or if your partner, friends, or family ever disclose an STI diagnosis to you it is important to reflect on what messages and beliefs you’ve internalised over time related to STIs, and how this might be impacting the way you think and respond to that kind of information.

Debunking Common Myths

Frustratingly, there are still many myths about STIs that are still shared socially, and which contribute to this stigma. Below we’ve listed a few common ones that we see regularly and know aren’t true:

1. “If you use barrier methods (condoms and dental dams) you won’t contract STIs”

Condoms and dental dams can reduce, but not eliminate the risk of contract STIs. Particularly with an STI like Herpes, which can be contracted with skin-to-skin contact.

2. “They are a good healthy person so they won’t have an STI”

This is very untrue! Like most health conditions, STIs don’t discriminate. You can contract an STI regardless of biological sex, gender, age, lifestyle, or who you have sex with.

3. “People who have contracted an STI must have sex with lots of people”

Wrong again! Anyone can contract an STI - whether you have had 1 or 1000 sexual partners, there is always a risk when you have sex, even if you use condoms or dental dams.

4. “I am in a relationship or only have one sexual partner, I don’t need to get tested”

Even if you are in a long-term relationship, using protection all the time, or only have one sexual partner it’s still necessary to get regular sexual health checks – once per year if you’re regularly sexually active!

5. “STIs are caused by being unhygienic”

This is also incorrect. STIs are transmitted through the exchange of bodily fluids, through unprotected sex, or through genital or skin contact. This has nothing to do with your hygiene!

How do I reduce my risk?

You can help prevent the transmission of STIs by using barrier protection such as condoms or dental dams, or through medication such as pre-exposure prophylaxis (pREP) which is an antiretroviral medication that prevents the spread of HIV. It’s also helpful to get tested every 12 months as most STIs can go undetected and are easily treatable.

If you have an STI, it is necessary that you tell your current and past sexual partners. Telling your sexual partners is not only important for their health, but also for the health of the community so that they don’t continue to transmit the infection. This can often feel like an awkward and scary process – and often people don’t disclose their STI status because they feel shame, anxiety, and because they are concerned about being judged or feeling rejected.

How to disclose your STI status

If you’re finding it hard to figure out how to tell your sexual partners, here are some strategies I would suggest to help the process.

WHEN TO TELL THEM

With the wellbeing of your partner in mind, it is best to disclose your STI status before you have sexual contact for the first time (e.g., anal, vaginal, oral, mutual masturbation). You might want to consider the best time, space, and condition for this conversation. For example, letting them know right before they leave might not give you enough space to talk this through.

WHERE TO TELL THEM

Make sure you’re in a safe, private and comfortable space, whether this be in person, over the phone or via text. If you’re already in a hot and heavy moment and want to have sex, it’s important to step back and have a quick conversation - it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll lose the heat of the moment, but it does show respect for your sexual partner, and hopefully they will appreciate that.

HOW TO TELL THEM

Be clear, honest and confident.

Start by letting the other person know you care about their health which is why you want them to know about your STI status. Then you can go on to tell them about the results of your test, and which STI you have.

Mind the language you use.

Using language such as “good”, “bad”, “dirty” can cause self-stigmatisation! Using words such as “negative” and “positive” test results can be much less stigmatising, and it’s also important not to apologise for the STI disclosure - you have nothing to be sorry about and it’s never your fault!

OFFER EDUCATION AND SUPPORT

Make sure you have done your research so that you’re able to share medically accurate facts about the STI with your partner (either in the moment or for them to take away and read in their own time). Important facts might include preventative measures when having sex, modes of transmission, how common the STI is, and information related to signs and symptoms so that they can understand what this will mean for their health and your sexual contact.

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!

Practicing what you want to say and how to say it with friends and family who know about your STI and can provide love and support can be helpful. The more you practice, the less awkward and invasive it will feel.

MAKE SPACE FOR YOUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSE

Disclosing an STI can, understandably, be associated with fear and uncertainty and it is important to make space for all of this. Try to be gentle on yourself and practice some self-compassion throughout the process.

KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL THEIR REACTION

There is no way to predict how someone will react and this is not for you to own or control. Their initial reaction may not be indicative of what they feel - it may be important to give them time to process information and their emotions before returning to the conversation. As a side note however - the way that someone processes and manages this conversation can be a useful indicator of their character and care for you! So if they react badly, this might be useful information for you to have. And a lot of the time, people are surprised about just how supportive their partners are.

Let’s start the conversation

Here are some ways to start the conversation about STIs:

“Hey, I know this is a sensitive topic, but it is an important one to me. When was your last sexual health screening? Mine was last month and I was told that I am HSV positive.”
“STI screening is something I do as a normal part of my health care, I get screened every 12 months, what about you?”
“Hey, I’m really excited for tonight but before we hook up, I think it’s important we know each-others STI status before we go there. My last screening was 1 month ago and I was told I’m positive for chlamydia.”
“I’d love to spend time with you but before we hang out, I just wanted to make sure you’re aware of my positive herpes status.”
“I just wanted to let you know I have gonorrhea before we meet up! I’m happy to chat to you about it if you’re worried about anything.”

I just can’t do it…

If you want to inform your sexual partners of your STI status but just can’t bring yourself to tell them directly, don’t fear – there are websites such as http://letthemknow.org.au/and http://bettertoknow.org.au/notify/sms/ that you can use to send anonymous SMS from to notify anyone you’ve had sex with.

To finish…

Having an STI is very common and nothing to be ashamed about. Most STIs are curable, and if not they’re totally manageable. What’s important is understanding how your beliefs about STIs impact how you feel about your diagnosis, and your willingness to disclose to others. It may feel uncomfortable at first but arming yourself with accurate information and having honest conversations with your sexual partners is so important in creating safety for your health and theirs, but also for creating safety within your sexual relationship.

HELPFUL RESOURCES

Online

Let Them Know

Better to Know

Stay STI Free: Where Can I Get Tested? (VIC)

Play Safe

Reach Out Australia: Sex

Podcasts

The Hook Up: Herpes 101

The Hook Up: When should you get a sexual health check?

The Hook Up: Chlamydia

The Hook Up: What is HPV?

The Hook Up: Why aren’t we using condoms?

The Hook Up: Syphilis is back!

At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with people, and partners of people who have been diagnosed with an STI. If you may benefit from some support on this topic, please check out our website resources or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on the topic of STIs, please contact us to let us know.

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