How do I know if I am in a healthy relationship?

Whether you have or want a romantic relationship, you’d want to make sure it’s a healthy one, right?

Research suggests that the quality of our relationships determine the quality of our life. Our romantic partners can influence a lot about our lives, from where we live, to who we spend time with, what groceries we buy, and yep, ultimately even our own health through these lifestyle factors.

The quality of early relationships can shape our ability to recognise and cultivate relationships later in life. If you have not experienced safe and secure relationships during your formative years, you may find it challenging to identify signs of a healthy relationship. This difficulty can stem from a lack of reference points for what constitutes supportive and respectful behaviour, potentially leading to patterns of entering or staying in unhealthy relationships.

So for this reason, it can be helpful to learn what it looks like (what you can notice in the other person’s behaviour) and what it feels like (the signals and signs in your body and mind) when a relationship is right for you. That is, when it contributes positively to your life, meets your needs, and is likely to support your physical and emotional health.

So how will I know if I am in a healthy relationship?

Each relationship is unique as everyone has different dynamics, structures and needs. That means the term “healthy relationship” is a broad one because what makes any relationship thrive depends on the needs of the people in it.

While every relationship is unique, there are some hallmark signs of when that relationship is healthy.

There is clear and open communication

In healthy relationships, communication is open, honest, and respectful. Partners feel comfortable expressing themselves without fearing judgement or retaliation. You should be able to be vulnerable and have your point of view listened to and validated.

When expressing and communicating, focusing on our experience rather than making judgements or assumptions about the other person's behaviour is more likely to promote safety and connection.

Here’s an example of how you might try openly communicating with your partner/s:

Describe the situation: “I’ve noticed that, lately, we’ve been spending less time together than we used to.”
Express your feelings: “I feel a bit lonely and disconnected when we don’t have quality time together.”
State your needs: “I would really like us to carve out more dedicated time for just the two of us, where we can focus on each other without distractions.”
Share deeper fears and concerns: “If we continue to drift apart, I worry that it could strain our relationship and that our connection may suffer.”
Be open for discussion: “What are your thoughts on this? I’d like to hear how you feel and if there are ways we can both work towards spending more meaningful time together.”
Follow up and make a specific suggestion: “Could we plan a date night this weekend to start reconnecting?”

Active listening is another communication skill where the listener fully concentrates, understands, and empathises with what is being said. It involves:

Noticing verbal cues (think verbal affirmations, such as “I hear you” or “That makes sense”)
Summarising or paraphrasing what the speaker says to ensure understanding
Non-verbal cues (think open body language, eye contact, facial expressions)

Active listening helps build trust, resolve conflicts and strengthen relationships by demonstrating respect and genuine interest in the thoughts and feelings of your partner/s.

Boundaries are freely and safely expressed

Boundaries involve the personal limits we establish to protect ourselves and maintain our overall wellbeing. They define the space between ourselves and others, clarifying with our partner/s what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Types of boundaries include:

Physical boundaries (e.g., defining personal space and what type of touch is comfortable)
Emotional boundaries (e.g., setting up a time and space to have deep conversation)
Time boundaries (e.g., respecting schedules, commitments and priorities and balancing personal time with time we give to others)
Intellectual boundaries (e.g., honouring different thoughts, ideas and opinions of others)
Material boundaries (e.g., respecting possessions of others and shared spaces)

Here’s an example of how you might try setting a healthy boundary with your partner/s:

Provide reassurance about your connection: “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you lately, it is important to me and I value our relationship a lot.”
Compassionate boundary setting: “However, I’ve noticed that I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed and low on energy. Time on my own helps me to recharge, so I would like to prioritise that in the next week.”
Request for understanding and propose a solution: “I am thinking that it would be great to spend some time with myself on Wednesday and Thursday and then I would love to reconnect with you on Friday? Does that work for you?”
Encourage reciprocation: “I hope that my being open encourages you to also ask for what you may be needing in our relationship. Are there any of your needs that you would like to share with me?”

Trust and safety are felt

Having a calm nervous system (not in a state of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn) around your partner/s is a great way to check in with how safe you feel in your relationship. Being around your partner/s should feel secure, respectful, and supportive. For many people who have experienced attachment trauma, this can actually feel boring or less exciting! A regulated nervous system, however, is a sign that your body and mind are feeling safe and that your relationship is likely to have a positive impact on your life and health.

Signs that your body and mind are feeling safe and trusting when you are in the presence of your partner:

Your breathing is steady
Your muscles are relaxed
You feel at ease
You feel able to be yourself without monitoring and editing
You are able to think clearly

You maintain an identity outside of your relationship

Having a healthy relationship means that you are interdependent - you can rely on your partner/s for support while also maintaining your own unique identity. Connecting with friends outside of the relationship and spending time pursuing your own interests and hobbies is important so that you don’t depend on your partner/s to get all of your needs met. A healthy relationship supports your growth and challenges you to be the best version of yourself.

Relationship identity versus individual identity:

An individual identity refers to who you are as a person independent of your relationship. Maintaining a strong sense of self is vital for personal growth and fulfillment.

Aspects of an individual identity include your values, beliefs, goals, hobbies, career, friendships and personal interests. It shapes your unique personality, ambitions and perspectives on life and allows you to contribute these qualities to your relationships.

A relationship identity refers to the identity formed within the context of a relationship. It defines the unique dynamics, shared goals, activities and commitments as well as mutual understanding between partners. This shared identity also fosters intimacy, teamwork, trust, connection and provides a sense of belonging.

It’s important to nourish both identities, as having that balance will nourish you as well as the relationship. This can be done through:

Mutual respect: Each partner respects and values the other’s individuality.
Communication: Open dialogue about personal needs, boundaries and endeavours.
Planning and scheduling: Making sure you have time dedicated for you and for the relationship.
Developing shared and individual g oals: Finding common ground and working towards joint aspirations and supporting each other's individual goals.
Adaptability: Being flexible and adapting as you each grow and evolve over time. It is important to continue learning about your partner and yourself as you grow and change.

You grow together

Holding flexible mindsets of your partner/s allows them space to grow into themselves instead of being limited to a set idea of who you think they used to be/ who you think they should be. Remaining interested in your partner/s thoughts, goals, perspective and hobbies, and embracing change means that your relationship will be more present and fulfilling. Every relationship will have different goals - it’s important to choose goals that align with your unique values.

Collaborative goals for your relationship may include:

1 - Personal development

Example: Learning a new skill or hobby in your relationship, such as learning a new language or dance lessons. You can offer encouragement of personal growth by offering to learn or practice together.

2 - Relationship agreements

Example: If a partner’s work schedule changes or they begin a new relationship, revisit and adjust any agreements or boundaries to reflect these new circumstances. You may also regularly check in with your partner/s on how the relationship dynamics are working and be open to making any necessary changes.

3 - Financial security and planning

Example: This might be saving up for a house deposit, travel plans, a pet, etc. You may assist your partner/s in budgeting, saving and making financial decisions that align with this goal.

You play together

When the mood is right, healthy partnerships make time for spontaneity and fun. Being able to joke, banter and have a laugh together helps to make light of challenging moments and can strengthen your relationship. Research shows that the hormones released during laughter not only enhances mood and reduces stress, but it also promotes social bonding so you feel more connected with your partner/s.

You prioritise intimacy

Whether it’s physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or spiritual, experiencing intimacy with your partner/s is important for connecting and bonding together. Healthy intimacy means that you feel comfortable sharing needs and desires and respecting that these may look different for everyone involved in a relationship.

Intimacy can evolve across the duration of your relationship. It is a collaborative and dynamic process that requires effort, communication and mutual understanding, rather than adhering to a partner’s preference. When nurtured over time, intimacy can evolve into a rich, fulfilling experience.

Here’s how intimacy can evolve over time:

Initial attraction and infatuation: This involves intense physical attraction, excitement and a strong desire to get to know someone.
Building emotional connection: As the relationship deepens, emotional intimacy grows through sharing personal thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities.
Physical and sexual experiences: Physical and sexual intimacy may become more comfortable and expressive as you learn each other's needs and preferences.
Establishing trust and commitment: Trust and commitment solidify as partners demonstrate reliability, support and mutual respect.
Navigating challenges: Intimacy deepens as relationships navigate conflicts, challenges and support each other in difficult times. Overcoming obstacles together reinforces emotional connections.
Long-term companionship: Intimacy grows into a deep sense of companionship, understanding and acceptance. Partners continue to nurture their connection and adapt to changes by growing together.

Strong conflict resolution skills

Let’s start with this: disagreements and arguments are normal. What matters most is how issues are addressed. People in healthy relationships can talk about differences of opinions assertively, honestly, respectfully, and importantly, without judgement. This way, those in the relationship are likely to be more receptive to the discussion and are more likely to find a compromise or solution. As per the Gottman Institute: “Successful conflict resolution does not mean that [all] people totally agree on everything. It means that [all] partners feel understood and respected.”

Here’s an example of how you might try healthy conflict resolution with your partner/s:

Stay calm: Begin by managing your emotions. Take deep breaths if needed and start slow.
Express your feelings: Use “I” statements to express how you feel about the situation. For example, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”
Avoid blame: Focus on the specific behaviour or action that is bothering you, rather than focussing on your partner's character. For example, “I feel alone with the upkeep of the house when you leave dishes in the sink” instead of “You are lazy and leave everything to me.”
Listen attentively: Give your partner/s your full attention. Listen to their perspective without interrupting or planning your response while they speak.
Seek understanding and demonstrate empathy: Validate the feelings of your partner/s and ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand their point of view.
Find common ground: Look for areas where you can agree or can compromise, and be open to trying new approaches or making changes together.
Repair: Once a resolution is reached, focus on moving forward together with a newfound understanding of each other.
Follow up: Check in after some time to see how the solution is going and how you and your partner/s are feeling. Adjust your problem-solving tact as needed.

Now let’s look at signs in your relationship that indicate it may not be the healthiest.

Relationship red flags:

They try to change or control you
They don’t respect your boundaries
You don’t spend quality time together
You feel misunderstood or criticised in your relationship
You’re afraid of sharing a different point of view to them
There’s defensiveness and deflecting of responsibility
Feelings of contempt toward your partner/s
Stonewalling your partner/s
Disagreements don’t ever resolve
You feel uncomfortable around your partner/s

Questions to ask yourself:

What are my needs and are they met in this relationship?
Does my partner/s encourage me to grow as an individual?
Do we have shared values and goals?
Can I be my authentic self around them?
Do I accept them for who they are?
Is there mutual trust and safety?
Is my life more meaningful with them in it?

If you answered no to any of these questions, or identified some red flags you can relate to, it might be worth talking about it to a professional who can help.

What it all comes down to

A shared love for trips to the NGV and coffee may have helped you meet your partner/s, but these factors have little to do with maintaining a healthy relationship over time. Building and maintaining a healthy relationship requires skill, commitment and recommitment - and sometimes, a lot of therapy. Every relationship is different and it can be easy to compare your relationship to other people and/ or movies (totally unhelpful and unrealistic).

This blog offers some guiding thoughts, but there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to what makes a relationship “healthy.” What really matters is experiencing trust and safety in your relationship, as well as establishing what your unique needs are.