Due to the stigma and negative assumptions still out there about non-monogamy, some people may choose not to share that they prefer non-monogamy in their relationships until they feel safe and comfortable to do so. They may want to try to avoid unnecessary judgments and being asked questions that are too big and complex or come from a misinformed place.

By not sharing that you’re non-monogamous to someone that you may potentially date or are dating, you run the risk of the two of you investing time, energy, emotions etc into something that was always going to be a dealbreaker for them or is incompatible with both of your needs and wants.

It’s important to be aware that being open and honest about practicing non-monogamy may make dating a little harder. Some people prefer not to date others, casually or not, if there isn’t the potential of monogamy now or in the future. However, if open and honest communication is important to you, no matter the type of relationship you’re seeking, then telling someone that you prefer non-monogamy is going to be right for you. This is particularly important if you want people to fully consent before engaging with you romantically or sexually.

Different ways of telling someone that you’re interested in that you’re non-monogamous:

Put it on your dating profile:

“My partner(s) and I are polyamorous”
“I am solo poly”
“Non-monogamy is my jam”

Pros:

You’re being open and honest from the beginning and creating a foundation of openness and honesty for potential relationships.
You’re giving people the option to swipe right only if non-monogamy is not a dealbreaker for them.
People who have been curious about non-monogamy might feel safe to ask you questions about your experience.

Cons:

Your dating pool might become limited; there may be fewer people who might swipe right on you.
You might feel pressure to answer big questions that are more about non-monogamy in general rather than just about your specific relationship and experiences. Having ready-to-go responses that are within your boundaries may be needed.

Casually mentioning it to someone you’ve just met.

“My boyfriend is spending time with their partner tonight”
“Both of my partners and I are going away next weekend”

Pros:

You’re being open and honest from the beginning and creating a foundation of openness and honesty for potential relationships.
Based on their response, you can determine whether or not there is compatibility there for potential dates. Even if it is a dealbreaker for them, if they’re non-judgemental, you might have found a new friend!
People might be more willing to know more about your experience of non-monogamy if they have gotten to know you a little bit first.

Cons:

You might experience someone dismissing you outright.
People who don’t know what non-monogamy is might make judgments without really knowing you and your situation.
You might get a lot of misinformed questions that you’re not wanting to answer.

Mentioning it during or after the first date.

“It was lovely to meet you. I would like to see you again. But first, I would like you to know that I prefer non-monogamy in my relationships and so do my partners. Because some people can sometimes be judgmental about non-monogamy, I usually don’t like to share this until I feel safe and comfortable to do so. I know that non-monogamy can be a dealbreaker for some people, and that’s ok if it is for you. I just want to be more open and honest with you, as I can see the potential of us getting to know each other more.”

Pros:

You can choose not to disclose your relationships if there is no potential for future dates or it doesn’t feel safe to do so.
People might be open to knowing more about your experience of non-monogamy if they have gotten to know you first and also see the potential of more dates.

Cons:

People might get understandably upset or annoyed that they invested time and energy into something that was always going to be a dealbreaker for them.
Some might make judgements about you for not sharing this information sooner and might see it as being manipulative.

Mentioning it after there as been an emotional, sexual, and/or romantic connection.

Pros:

Some people might be more willing to getting to know your experiences of non-monogamy if they have spent more time with you.

Cons:

People might believe that they did not consent fully to engage with you in an emotional, romantic or sexual manner without first knowing your relationship status or preference.
It might be perceived by some as being somewhat manipulative to only disclose a potential dealbreaker to them after there has been an investment of time, energy, or emotions.

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.