Part 3: How to Maintain a Non-Monogamous Relationship
This article is written from the perspective of a psychologist working with clients who are exploring and practising non-monogamy. We would like to acknowledge that everyone’s experience and perspective is different and valuable, and we would like to promote the experiences and perspectives of people with lived experience. If you would like to give us any feedback regarding the content of this article or would like to share any of your experiences, we would love to hear it. Just click on the Contact Us button at the end of this article.
DISCLAIMER: Since Parts 1 and 2 of this blog series were first written, discourse on non-monogamy has progressed and there is better awareness of the power of language on how non-monogamy is viewed. The use of the words ethical and/or consensual when discussing non-monogamy “may subtly reinforce harmful stereotypes and negative moral judgements about [non-monogamy]” (Ansara, 2020). Both non-monogamy and monogamy can be ethical and unethical. Therefore, the qualifiers ethical and consensual have been removed from both updated versions of Part 1 and 2.
Once you have navigated the complex emotional hurdles of starting your journey into non-monogamy, what does it take to maintain happy and healthy non-monogamous relationships? I have broken down some key factors to consciously consider. These could serve as topics for self-reflection or even as check-in discussion points with your partner(s).
1. Communication is key.
Happy, healthy non-monogamous relationships require a high degree of openness, honesty, and communication, potentially more so than in monogamous relationships. It is, therefore, important for you to understand how to effectively manage and communicate your own emotions when feeling triggered in order to allow for productive and meaningful conversations.
It is important to ensure that you and your partner(s) are in the best headspace and frame of mind in the lead up to challenging or difficult conversations. Choosing to have these discussions when you are both feeling relaxed and content is more likely to allow for respectful and open communication. Remember to HALT and pause a conversation should either of you be feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired as these elements have the potential to impact how productive and conducive a conversation can be.
As mentioned in How to Start a Non-Monogamous Relationship, it might be useful to set up a regular time to check in on and discuss how you are feeling about your boundaries, needs, expectations, etc as well as those of your partner(s). Using the guide below to structure your conversations can also be helpful:
I felt / I feel / I might feel...[emotion]...
when you / when we...[the specific behaviour, just the facts]...
because...[how the behaviour has been interpreted by you]
What I wanted or needed / what I want or need / what I might want or need from you is...[specific action / behaviour].
What do you think? / How do you feel about that? / What would you suggest?
EXAMPLE: I felt upset when you were messaging someone else while we were out on a date together. It brings up beliefs that I am not important. What I need is for us to agree to be present with each other and not be messaging other people during date nights. What do you think?
2. Make sense of your fear, anxiety, and insecurities.
Even if you’re the one who approached your partner(s) with the idea of non-monogamy, you are not immune from experiencing unexpected strong thoughts and feelings throughout your non-monogamy journey. Existing fears, anxieties, and insecurities around your worth, your desirability, or your relationships might pop up at unexpected times. This is normal. Talking to your partner(s) about what you are feeling, and communicating authentically and with an open mind, can be helpful during triggered moments.
It can also be helpful to explore and work toward understanding where these fears, anxieties and insecurities are coming from, as this will allow you to make sense of them and determine what steps you might need to take. Below are a few factors that might trigger these strong feelings, but keep in mind that, sometimes, all of these factors might be present at the same time.
Attachment styles and needs.
Healthy, secure attachment refers to a safe, loving, attuned bond between people. The theory of attachment explains that the way that we bond and connect with our caregivers in our early childhood sets up the blueprint for what we expect from ourselves and others in the context of a relationship. This means, for example, that if we experience uncertainty or isolation as children, this will affect what we expect and how we interact in social, intimate, and professional adult relationships.
Regardless of the type of non-monogamous relationship structure that you practice, you will be connecting with others, which means that unresolved ‘attachment wounds’ may pop up and influence how you think, feel, and act within your relationships. Understanding your attachment style and how it has or can play out in relationships (i.e., through therapy) can help you better understand and communicate your needs and learn how to develop healthy, secure attachments within all of your intimate relationships. See the Resources section at the end of this article for suggestions on further reading around attachment and relationships.
Trust within the relationship.
The foundation of trust in your relationship, which is the culmination of historical events and current practices, can create a safe space to navigate the complexities of you and your partner(s) experiencing attraction toward and connection with others. However, it may also trigger fear, anxiety, and insecurities. It is important to acknowledge and make space for the impact of historical breaches of trust or disconnection and/or the lack of attunement in the relationship, and explore how this may be influencing any current insecurities.
Feelings of fear, anxiety, and insecurity may also be a legitimate signal that the current dynamic of the relationship is not safe or meeting your needs. Your reflections might highlight that a boundary or agreement has been crossed, intentionally or unintentionally, or that there is some unresolved hurt within the relationship. It is important that your feelings are held and discussed, rather than dismissed.
Social acceptance.
We are social beings, and our survival is dependent on us being accepted by others. We have been socialised into thinking that monogamy is ‘normal’ and desirable and that anything outside of monogamy is ‘unsafe’. Being in a non-monogamy relationship might trigger fears of being rejected, judged, or misunderstood by others. Having non-judgemental and understanding people in your life will be invaluable during challenging times. Know who you can turn to and be open with for non-judgemental support and acceptance.
Change and uncertainty.
Humans are creatures of homeostasis; we tend to like having certain things stay relatively the same to help us predict and understand them. Even when the change is wanted and agreed upon, feeling anxiety and fear around making big or small changes within your relationship(s) is completely understandable. These feelings may not necessarily be an indicator that there is anything wrong; instead, it is the brain adjusting to there being many unknowns and trying to find its ‘new normal’. Creating space to acknowledge and validate all of the emotions that come with change and uncertainty can sometimes be enough to allow you to find comfort with the discomfort.
3. Treat everyone with respect.
Once other people are part of your relationship structure, you might establish boundaries around sharing information about other relationships. If people are ‘out of sight, out of mind’ this can sometimes mean the needs and experiences of other people in your relationship network are overlooked. Even if you do not want to know all of the details about the interactions your partners have, it is still important to consider what respectful consideration of them may involve.
Know everybody’s boundaries and expectations.
How you define and express non-monogamy in your relationship may differ in some or many ways from that of another person’s definition and expression. This means that the discussions you have with one partner about expectations, boundaries, desires, and needs should be the same discussions that you have with anyone else who you will be romantically or sexually involved with. Everyone’s voice in a non-monogamous relationship should be valued and respected.
Be mindful of couple’s privilege.
Couple’s privilege refers to the social, cultural, and personal prioritisation and value that is given to couples, particularly to those who are socially perceived to be in a monogamous relationship (i.e., living together, long-term relationship, engaged, married, etc). Some examples of couple’s privilege include the assumption that holidays will only be spent with the anchor partner, the belief that time spent with the anchor partner should be prioritised over time spent with any other partner, or the expectation that rules for the non-monogamous relationship are set by the couple and must be followed by everyone else involved. These privileges can be conscious and/or subconscious, and they can occur in hierarchical and non-hierarchical non-monogamous relationships. Not all couple’s privileges are necessarily negative nor can they all be avoided, but it is important to be mindful of these privileges to allow for open and honest discussions and steps to mitigate them.
Don’t forget about between-care.
Aftercare is a term used predominantly in the kink community to refer to when two or more people consciously devote time to expressing non-sexual emotional and physical intimacy to each other usually following sexual intimacy, with the purpose of ensuring that everyone involved feels cared for and to allow for any necessary debriefing. However, another form of care, which I like to call between-care, is just as important. It is the care and respect shown to another person in-between moments of intimacy and connection. Between-care is about creating an intentional space for each relationship dynamic and individual in the non-monogamous relationship network to process and share their needs and experiences regardless of any pre-existing dynamics. It allows for a consistent reminder that each person involved in a non-monogamous relationship has agency and that all needs and wants should be communicated and considered. It can also help create a space to acknowledge and mitigate some aspects of couple’s privilege. There are many ways to express between-care, and how it is needed will depend on individual preferences.
4. To err is human.
You will make mistakes. Your partner(s) will make mistakes. Those you connect with within and outside of your relationship will make mistakes. Just like in monogamous relationships, miscommunication and misunderstandings can happen. Remember to view any bumps as being about opportunities to learn and grow and to work together rather than against each other. We cannot predict every potential situation or how we will feel and react to them. Because of that, we need to be kind to ourselves, our partner(s), and anyone else involved and show compassion toward any unexpected or surprising responses (if they are not harmful).
5. Grief is a part of life and a part of non-monogamy.
Grief is a natural response to loss, whether it occurs in our external world (e.g., the death of a loved one, losing one’s job, etc) or in our internal world (e.g., a change to our physical health, losing our sense of safety, etc). Relationship coach, Mel Cassidy, highlights that grief is a fundamental part of non-monogamy (outside of the grief that we expect and experience when relationships end) and will arise in different ways: you may experience grief when realising that a hoped-for relationship isn’t possible; or you might experience vicarious grief while supporting your partner(s) through a breakup, particularly if this breakup also signifies losing a connection with a metamour. There is also the grief experienced alongside the ambiguous loss of societally constructed beliefs about ourselves, our partner(s), and monogamy; acknowledging that our long-held beliefs are not facts can lead to some challenging and confronting realisations about self and the world. Understanding that you and your partner(s) are likely to be exposed to many big and small moments of grief and loss can help cultivate compassion during those experiences.
6. Jealousy is normal.
Jealousy is a complex set of thoughts, emotions, and behaviours that usually arises in relationships when there is an actual or perceived threat of a relationship’s existence, structure, or quality. It can, sometimes, highlight deeper beliefs and feelings around self-esteem, trust, or control. Some people choose to not be in a non-monogamous relationship because they do not wish to feel unpleasant emotions such as jealousy. But we know that monogamy does not make one immune from experiencing it. Many others enter non-monogamous relationships fully aware of the very real possibility of experiencing jealousy.
There is a societal perception that jealousy is a “bad” emotion that should be avoided at all costs or acted upon immediately. However, experiencing jealousy is quite normal. Like all emotions, jealousy can be helpful in highlighting aspects of our internal and external world; it can signal that a certain boundary is particularly important to us, or it can show us that we are developing or holding strong feelings for someone. In non-monogamy, it can also signify that internalised mononormativity (the assumed naturalness and normality of monogamy) is being challenged. Over time, people in non-monogamous relationships may experience jealousy less often or less intensely, or they may simply have better ways of coping with it when it crops up.
There are many ways that someone can show and experience jealousy. It can sometimes be quite subtle or unnoticeable to others, or it can be quite overwhelming and distressing for the person experiencing jealousy or for those around them. It is important to reflect on and understand where the feeling of jealousy is coming from, what it means, and what actions need to be taken by you and for you. For example, you might realise that jealousy is coming from deeper feelings of worthlessness and that the trigger for the jealousy has nothing to do with the relationship being under threat. Conversely, your reflection might reveal that a boundary has been crossed for you, and this is something that you need to communicate with your partner(s).
Acknowledging and exploring feelings of jealousy can help people better understand their fears, worries, and boundaries. As therapist Dr. Mary Madrake states, “We can lessen the power of our jealousy by sharing our fears with those close to us and working to find solutions that are specific and fair to everyone.” This is where being part of a community of non-monogamous people to speak about shared experiences and potentially learn new coping strategies will be invaluable as you navigate jealousy within your relationships. See the Resources section at the end of this article for ideas on how to potentially find a supportive non-monogamous community.
7. Cultivate compersion.
Compersion refers to the feelings of joy when seeing a partner’s experience of love or sexual pleasure in other relationships. It can also be present at the same time as feelings of jealousy. Experiencing compersion can, at times, help lessen the intensity of jealousy and make it easier to create and hold space for it. Research has found that, for compersion to occur, there are a number of things that might need to be present in your internal and external world. These include feeling secure, comfortable, and connected within oneself and within relationships, having positive interactions and experiences with a partner’s other relationships, perceiving other relationships as having a positive impact on individual and relationship satisfaction, and feeling a sense of belonging within a non-monogamous community. Ultimately, for all of these to be present, communication, compassion, and time are needed, and it is there that compersion may follow.
Final thoughts…
Humans are complex, and this means that our relationships with ourselves and others, as well as our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, can be quite layered. The key points highlighted in this article are to facilitate moments of self-reflection and communication. However, this is just a guide, and I acknowledge that more in-depth articles are needed around non-monogamy, particularly regarding common experiences, such as New Relationship Energy (NRE), jealousy, compersion, etc. Keep an eye out for future articles exploring more deeply the many facets of non-monogamy.
Also, as mentioned in How to Start a Non-Monogamous Relationship, it’s perfectly okay if non-monogamy isn’t right for you or your partner(s), whether now or ever. Just like monogamy isn’t for everyone, non-monogamy isn’t the relationship structure that everyone might want or need. And that’s okay! In a future article, I will be aiming to explore how to navigate when there is a mismatch between a person’s need for monogamy and their partner’s desire for non-monogamous exploration.
RESOURCES
Related SHIPS Resources
Part 1: How to Start Talking to Your Partner About Non-Monogamy
Part 3: How to Maintain a Non-Monogamous Relationship
Glossary of Relationship Structures
The Ethics and Ways of Telling Someone That You’re Non-Monogamous
Books
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Janet W Hardy.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
Television
You Can’t Ask That, Series 1, Episode 5, “Polyamorous’
You Can’t Ask That, Series 3, Episode 5, “Swingers”
Workshops
This pre-recorded workshop offered by Curious Creatures is “for people seeking the tools for more successful non-monogamous relationships and also for people starting out, that want to know more about where they sit on a spectrum of monogamous to not-at-all-monogamous. It makes no assumptions that any type of relationship is right for all people.”
Groups
This is a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to “creating spaces for male-identifying folk to talk about their stuff”. They hold weekly men’s circles for non-monogamous men to share and discuss the challenges and rewards of their non-monogamous relationships and their mental health journey.
Non-Monogamy Friendly Spaces
Below are details of a few current non-monogamy-friendly spaces. While these recommendations have been made following suggestions from the non-monogamous community, it is suggested that you research these further before determining if they are right for you and your relationship(s).
It is also important to keep in mind that some play parties or sex-on-premises venues (not necessarily the ones listed below) may, at times, be more heteronormative or have participants with differing demographics to you (i.e., age, gender, etc). Some play party organisers may require individuals to attend a workshop or discussion on consent and communication before being permitted to attend a play party, and they may also require (or strongly encourage) people to attend a post-party session to allow for debriefing and community connection.
Curious Creatures runs a three-part ‘sexuality event’ called Curiosity. It consists of a workshop (on consent, communication, sex-positivity, and learning more about yourself), followed by a play party, and then a post-party session the following day (for debriefing, integration, and community-building).
Between Friends Wine Bar is a venue that has a main wine bar area, a dressing room, play spaces and bathrooms. “It’s a sophisticated venue to meet up with old friends. It’s a safe and exciting place to meet up with people you have met online. It’s also a welcoming environment to come and meet new people. You can just chat and watch, you can play with your partner, or you can play with others. The choice is entirely yours.”
Wet on Wellington is a pool and sauna centre that also contains a bar and cafe and various different private and open play areas. A number of events run by various groups are held at Wet on Wellington
Feeld is a “dating app for couples and singles…enabling pairs to explore dating together”. It is considered by many to be an inclusive online dating space; “Feeld allows you to choose from 20+ sexualities and gender identities, pair profiles with a partner and create group chats
At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with people who are practising or interested in practising non-monogamy. If you may benefit from some support on this topic, please check out our website resources or contact us.
We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience, or feel we may have missed something on the topic of non-monogamy, please contact us to let us know.
AUTHOR
Javiera Dastres
Senior Psychologist
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