How to Support a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a collection of symptoms resulting from complex trauma and internal fragmentation, and is particularly centered around aspects of self and attachment. Usually, this trauma has involved profound disruptions in early stages of attachment eg. not experiencing safety, love, attunement, consistency, and/or interest. Operating without a solid blueprint for relationships can make adult relationships (and functioning in general) extremely difficult to navigate and feel safe in.

Being in a relationship where each partner offers support, communication, self awareness and commitment can be an incredible space for healing and recovering from trauma. But let’s be clear, this is a complex path to navigate.

As a partner of someone with BPD, it can be difficult to make sense of how to best support yourself and them. Often, what they say or do on the surface may mean something different deep down. You also might find that your partner behaves in different ways in different moments and this is difficult to predict or make sense of. Sometimes their behaviour might involve self-harm or suicidal ideation and this can be scary to navigate with someone you care for. Every person who has been diagnosed with BPD has a different collection of symptoms and type of manifestation. So, it is important that your partner seeks therapeutic support, and you learn about what works best for you and them specifically.

Also for some people, a diagnosis of BPD or ‘a label’ can be liberating. For others, it can make them feel hopeless, and can come with stigmatising experiences. So, you use whatever word feels best for you (or be led by the words your partner uses). I usually prefer to use complex childhood trauma, or complex attachment trauma, because I think this better reflects the underpinnings of the symptoms.

The information below is written as a general guide based on my experience with clients and the information I have found is generally helpful. This is not intended to replace individual therapy or support.

How your partner’s symptoms might show up in your relationship:

Some examples:

Sensitivity to signs of withdrawal or rejection eg. not texting back right away
Looking for changes in your behaviour that might be a sign that you will leave them/think badly of them/feel differently about them eg. you being preoccupied at work
Misattribution of intent eg. believing that something you did is a sign that you want to hurt them
Getting upset before you leave
Showing you intense adoration and affection or sexual attention
Feeling jealous of perceived attraction to others
Wanting to go along with everything you like to do/not sharing their interests and preferences with you
Quick changes in mood
Heightening distress following social events or interactions

How to understand this behaviour:

This behaviour and how your partner is reacting to you is the result of trauma triggering.
In the past, probably in their childhood, they had painful experiences where they were abandoned, abused, isolated, and/or criticised.
Your behaviour triggers these memories consciously or subconsciously, so your partner is reacting and feeling as they were when the original trauma is happening.
Having this trauma ‘triggered’ is kind of like they are wearing sunglasses - it changes their perception of everything
Your behaviour that triggered them may not be problematic at all, or it could also be harmful and not ok, but the severity of their reaction, and their perception of you in this moment will be based on their past experience, not just your behaviour and your relationship.

What is important to know for you:

Harmful behaviour is not ok regardless of where it comes from
It is your partner's job to heal from their trauma in therapy
Supporting your partner means learning about their trauma and triggers, and then understanding how to support them best when triggered
Your healing is just as important
Your wellbeing is just as important
Your needs are just as important
You do not need to sacrifice your need/ safety/ wellbeing to avoid triggering your partner. Any support you offer should be within your capacity to give.

What can be helpful:

It is vitally important that your partner is attending therapy to support their healing and wellbeing. This will also help them to understand their trauma and triggers, and figure out strategies to manage/respond to triggers that they can share with you.
Find a way to remind them of your love for them. When your partner is triggered, they might forget in this moment that you love and care about them. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a grounding touch (eg. a hug), something written down (a letter about how you feel about them) or an object (eg. a rock from your favourite walk together) that reminds them of your care. It is helpful to identify this grounding object/ touch together when they are not triggered. Objects or letters are particularly helpful because this can be used even if you are not physically present.
Believe and validate their feelings. As I mentioned, often their feelings are connected to past trauma, not the current moment. It might seem disproportionate to what is happening or incongruent, but the feeling is valid, it just connects to something different. Usually treatment for BPD involves learning to trust and validate your feelings, so you will be supporting their healing journey if you do this too.
Help your partner to ground. This might mean you take some deep breaths together, go out for a walk, or have a hug.
If you are both angry, it is better to ground separately. Before you separate, make sure you find a way to reassure them that you will talk again at a set time (otherwise this can be perceived as abandonment).
Be clear with them when their behaviour is not ok with you. Let them know that you understand where their behaviour is coming from, be kind and connected, but draw clear boundaries around a behaviour not being ok.
Get therapeutic support yourself. The experience of navigating this relationship journey is difficult, and possibly destabilising and depending on your own mental health, triggering for you too. What you bring to the relationship eg. the emotional space, self understanding and emotional regulation skills are the most helpful contributions you can make to your partner’s healing and the safety in the relationship.

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.