No matter the length of the relationship, the relationship structure (i.e., monogamous, non-monogamous), who initiated the breakup, or the circumstances surrounding the decision to end the relationship, breakups can be very challenging and painful.

The end of a relationship can feel like a death; a lot of grief and loss is involved:

One or more people may no longer be present in your life, either momentarily or forever.
Goals, hopes, and plans for the future might suddenly feel unattainable.
The level of routine, stability, and predictability in your life might shift and change considerably.

Grieving the end of a relationship can look very much like Kübler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief. These stages are not linear; not everyone starts at the same stage and you are likely to go through some of the stages a few times and at different points.

We cannot and do not treat grief. There is no set timeframe or set path. We just learn ways to process it and ride through it.

"Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve."

-Earl Grollman

Here are some ways to look after yourself while you grieve the end of a relationship:

1. Pause and breathe: There may be an urge to make big changes in your life. This is likely to provide only temporary relief, especially if it’s actually about trying to rush through the grief process. Taking the time to pause and breathe will allow you to make decisions from a grounded and calm space rather than one of fear and hurt.

2. Reconnect with reality: Acknowledge and recognise that the relationship wasn’t all good and it wasn’t all bad. This helps you to build a balanced memory of the relationship that holds space for both the painful moments and those of peace. It allows you to look at the past with compassion for yourself and others and to look toward the future with a clearer sense of what actually needs to be different.

3. Make room for new experiences: Direct your time and energy toward other relationships (old and new) and toward new goals and projects. This isn’t about replacing anyone or anything, but rather about creating opportunities for joy and a redefined or new sense of purpose.

4. Reflect: Frequently reflect on where you have been, where you are, and where you might be going. Noting these down can be helpful in reminding you, particularly during moments of overwhelm and hopelessness, of your strength and courage and of the big and small things that you have overcome.

5. Expand your support network: Find kind and compassionate people who can provide you with support. Connecting with those who have gone through their own journey of grief can help normalise and validate your experience. Seeking support from a therapist can help broaden your perspective and coping strategies.

6. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion: Self-compassion researcher, Dr. Kirstin Neff, highlights that self-compassion means making changes with the aim of being more healthy and happy because you care about yourself and not because you believe that you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. You will have good days and not-so-good days; that’s ok. You will experience doubt, regret, or guilt; that’s normal. You will make mistakes; we’re all perfectly imperfect. Being kind and compassionate with yourself involves acknowledging when things feel difficult and asking how you can comfort and take care of yourself.

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.